Last weekend, Allen parents kept the kids so I could go to Kansas as originally planned (a big thank you!). Since Allen was still working weekends, I thought I'd have to cancel my trip. Thankfully, I was able to go, and I enjoyed the quiet ride up there. I loved getting to visit all my friends from Chasing Rainbows while I scrapped just a little bit. It was easier to not be so lonely since I was busy and with buddies, but I still missed Allen. I'm definitely a mommy. . . after being worn out by the little people over the last few weeks, I was so excited to be getting away; but then I just kept looking at their photos, and I couldn't wait to get back to them. I put over 900 miles on my vehicle this weekend in just over 48 hours. Whew!
I got up early Sunday to try to get the kids and make it all the way home before Allen had to be at work. I hadn't seen him and I was so anxious for me to get a hug . . . and they missed Daddy, too. After I picked the kids up from Allen's parents, I still had 2 1/2 hours to drive and I knew I needed to get gas at some point. You see, my car's fuel guage stinks -- it doesn't work after it hits 1/4 of a tank. It could be at 1/4 tank and five miles later the dummy-light is on. As the kids nodded off to the land of dreamy afternoon naps, the needle approached the 1/4 tank abyss, and it was then that my metaphor for my life started to take shape.
As I drove I watched the needle edge closer to the E, but I wanted to just keep driving because the kids were all sleeping peacefully. . . I knew if I stopped the car they'd wake up and fill the car with two hours of deafening wailing with no chance of hearing a firetruck passing. I kept on driving, savoring the silence. . . curious about how far I could push it . . . and wondering who would come help me if I was stranded in the middle of nowhere with four small kids and no gas. That is pretty much how my life is lately . . . I am forcing myself as far as I can, enjoying the quiet when I can, knowing I'm approaching EMPTY quickly, but not knowing exactly when that will be. Many times recently, I feel like I AM stranded on a highway watching everyone rush past the kids and me since I'm too difficult to climb out of the car to wave down help -- especially when it's my dumb fault I ran out of gas. My time-outs are usually wasted at the computer or television, because they don't expect or demand anything from me. My fingers may itch to scrapbook or I may want to read a book, but I hate to start something when I don't want the peace to be broken -- I get quite frustrated when I'm interrupted, and usually those are things Allen let me do uninterrupted (when he's home.) I need to refuel, but I want to avoid the wailing. Maybe tonight I'll get my scrap stuff out again. . . or start a book . . . but first I need to grab a bite to eat.
It's been too long since we've seen Allen at the "normal" hours. The last few days, I sleep restlessly until he gets home and climbs into bed at 5 am. He sleeps until lunchtime, plays with the kids, then heads back to work a little after 3. When the kids got up from naps today, they kept calling for Daddy, but I miss him even more than they do -- the adult conversation, the hugs and kisses, an extra set of hands at bedtime, my teammate, friend, and partner. We have managed to squeeze in two romantic kid-free dinner dates on Mondays since we haven't been dancing but the sitter still came. As tough as life can be with Daddy on a different schedule, I know -- I KNOW -- we are so blessed. Each night we pray for his safety and health and thank God that he has a job that supports us all.
Allen -- Thanks for your hard work, Babe! We all miss you and love you and can't wait to see you when you wake up!
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