Resolutions Old and New

If you've followed my blog for a while (while = couple of years) you may recall that a long time ago, I made a list of 101 things I wanted to do in my lifetime. Each year, rather than making typical resolutions, I try to check off one or more from the list. Here is what I accomplished in 2010 that I can consider "done":

#11 - Garden often -- for many months anyway
#25 - Play frisbee with a dog -- a few times, though Shadow and I aren't very good at it ;)
#52 - Go on a vacation with high school friends -- met my girlfriends in Sonoma, CA, for Ines's wedding in April
#78 - Host a brunch -- my MOPS group of about 10 came in May for this one
#82 - Tour California's wine country -- same time and place as #52
#90 - Hug a lonely person -- I did this a few times this year, but I need to do it more often

As my list dwindles, its getting more challenging. We don't have the time and money for my round-the-world tour for 2011, the African safari and 50th wedding anniversary aren't on the calendar, and I am not hoping to meet my grandchildren in the near future, so as the years go by, I know some of my 101 things are going to be difficult to accomplish.

I prefer not to make typical resolutions -- there is something depressing about falling off the wagon, seeing what I wrote down, and not really giving a darn. The last few years I have chosen a project to work on throughout the year. First was 2009's Project 365 -- taking a photo a day. In 2010, I wanted to expand my literary horizons. I am not quite sure what 2011's project will entail, but I want to focus on peace. Allen and I are tossing around a few ideas still, but I know that our home needs PEACE.

I plan to reduce the yelling, reduce the clutter, increase the love, increase the joy. I know that means controlling my own stress levels with frequent physical, spiritual, and creative exercising. I'm still stewing to define the project, but I think it may just be to focus on the word PEACE in 2011.

PEACE

1: a state of tranquillity or quiet: as a : freedom from civil disturbance b : a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom. 2: freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. 3: harmony in personal relations. 4a: a state or period of mutual concord between governments. b: a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity. 5: —used interjectionally to ask for silence or calm or as a greeting or farewell; —at peace: in a state of concord or tranquillity

Expanded Horizons

Back in January, I posted one of my resolutions for 2010: To expand my literary horizons by reading books that would not normally make it to my nightstand. I listed 50 books that I planned to read, but that idea was a bit lofty for this busy mom. Though I didn't get through all of them, I did meet my goal of trying new books, and I did get half way through the pile. Here are the books I read from the original list, and I've underlined my favorites:

1. Frankenstein (Shelley, 1818)
2. Jane Eyre (Bronte, C, 1847)
3. Wuthering Heights (Bronte, E, 1847)
4. Treasure Island (Stevenson, 1883)
5. Anne of Green Gables (Montgomery, 1908)
6. The Secret Garden (Burnett, 1911) - book club
7. Winnie-the-Pooh (Milne, 1926)
8. Swallows and Amazons (Ransome, 1930)
9. Murder on the Orient Express (Christie, 1937)
10. Of Mice and Men (Steinbeck, 1937)
11. Brideshead Revisited (Waugh, 1945)
12. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe (Lewis, 1950)
13. Go Tell it on the Mountain (Baldwin, 1953)
14. Lord of the Flies (Golding, 1954)
15. Lolita (Nabakov, 1955)
16. Rabbit, Run (Updike, 1960) - book club
17. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (Dick, 1968)
18. The Stand (King, 1978)
19. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Adams, 1979)
20. Midnight's Children (Rushdie, 1981)
21. Beloved (Morrison, 1987)
22. Memoirs of a Geisha (Golden, 1997)
23. The Kite Runner (Hosseini, 2003)
24. The Shack (Young, 2007)
25. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society (Shaffer & Barrows, 2008) - book club

I wish I had kept track of the number of pages I read, just because I know it is a big number (and I really like big numbers). I loved many of the books, but there were a few I hated, and a few I finally put down (deciding I had better things to do than read something I didn't like.)

Just so it is clear, reading fifty books in a year is not the unrealistic part. Reading only those from the list is the part that was impossible for me, but I think I topped fifty total. I read a dozen books this year for book club (some from the original list,) I read a few this week just because I needed my suspense-fix, and I've read lots of nonfiction just to get smarter.

Nonfiction

1. How to Read Literature Like a Professor (Foster, 2003)
2. The Measure of a Man: A Spiritual Autobiography (Poitier, 2007) - book club
3. Sabbath: The Ancient Practices (Allender, 2009)
4. Choosing to SEE (Chapman, 2010)
5. The Sacred Echo (Feinberg, 2008)
6. Scouting the Divine: My Search for God in Wine, Wool, and Wild Honey (Feinberg, 2009)
7. Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality (Miller, 2007)
8. Twinkle: Sharing Your Faith One Light at a Time (Morgan, 2006)
9. His Princess: Love Letters from Your King (Shepherd, 2004)
10. Having a Mary Spirit: Allowing God to Change Us from the Inside Out (Weaver, 2006)
11. The Well-Versed Family (Boykin, 2007)
12. The Five Love Languages of Children (Chapman, 1997)
13. Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter (Courtney, 2008)
14. Connecting with Your Husband Mind Body Heart Spirit (Ethridge, 2009)
15. Tax Free Retirement (Kelly, 2007)

Fiction

1. People of the Book (Brooks, 2008) - book club
2. Little Lord Fauntleroy (Burnett, 1886) - book club
3. Bobbie Faye's Very (very, very, very) Bad Day (Causey, 2007) - book club
4. Darkest Fear (Coben, 2001)
5. One False Move (Coben, 2009)
6. Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet (Ford, 2009) - book club
7. Where Angels Fear to Tread (Forster, 1905) - book club
8. The Memoirs of Cleopatra (George, 1998) - book club
9. The Mephisto Club (Gerritson, 2006)
10. Water for Elephants (Gruen, 2007)
11. The 8th Confession (Patterson, 2010)
12. Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt (Rice, 2008)
13. The Thirteenth Tale (Setterfield, 2007) - book club
14. Beneath a Marble Sky (Shors, 2006) - book club

I definitely did what I set out to do and expanded my horizons. In all my reading of different genres, I've found a few new favorite series' and authors and started my piles of books for next year. On my list for 2011 are the other 25 from my big list, the entire Amazons and Swallows series, more of John Shors historic fiction, Anne Rice's Jesus series, and maybe a few more Anne of Green Gables (though I might wait and read those with Maddie in a few years.)

Christmas Lists

Breakfast

• Cinnamon Monkey Bread (w/a touch of Southern Comfort)
• Turkey sausage
• Orange Juice
• Coffee

Lunch/Dinner

• Ham
• Cherries
• Hassleback potatoes
• Hearts of Palm and Artichoke Salad
• Pecan Pie

Snacks

• Sugar cookies
• Double chocolate chip cookies with peppermint icing
• Jalapeno cheese ball with crackers
• Caramel popcorn
• Pepperoni and cheese
• Apples and oranges

Gifts from Santa

• Books, oranges, apples, and candy canes for all
• Coloring books, crayons, and pencils for the kids
• Legos and airplanes for the boys
• Polly pocket and hairbands for Maddie
• Rocket show for Ben
• Clutch Powers (Lego) movie for Will
• Disney sing-along Wii game for Jon
• Sleeping Beauty movie for Maddie
• Slippers and coffee for Mama
• Dopp Kit and gum for Daddy

Kids' Gifts

• Leapster Explorers and games
• Epic Mickey Wii game
• Puppets

• Christmas pajamas
• Backpacks
• Hats

• Vests for the little kids, warm-up pants for Will 


• Veggie Tales for the little kids
• Pocket knife and flashlight for Will

Family gifts

• Bee and hummingbird garden kit from Ben to Mama

• Take apart back-hoe with toy drill from Mama to Ben

• Barbie and dresses from Jon to Maddie

• Tool box with tools from Daddy to Jon

• Star Wars Legos from Maddie to Will

• iPod arm band from Will to Daddy

Adult gifts

• Beer
• Soup pot
• Double Belgian waffle maker
• Skeet punch card
• Geek clock

• Winter coat

Photos of the rest of the day

Wrapping Gifts

What a perfect way to start wrapping up the year -- by another super-post (my new word for the days when I dig through the dregs of my memory and try to get it all down.) So here I wrap up the stories, my gifts to my family and myself as memories of these simple moments fade.

THE PAGEANT

I'll start by saying I'm sad that I still don't have the video of the little kids' preschool Christmas program. I was hoping to have it by now to share, but you'll just have to imagine with me what took place two weeks ago. Their teacher put Maddie, Jon, and Ben next to each other to make photography easier for me. Though it was a well-intentioned plan, I could have warned her it might not be a great idea. ... So my three little Christmas "angels" were all decked out in button-up shirts, slacks, and one had on a pretty plaid dress with black tights. As the preschoolers are all belting out different tunes of the same songs, Miss Maddie was holding the hem of her dress so proudly. She didn't even let go when it was time for the arms to go in the air as the kids shouted, "There is no room in the inn!" Thankfully, the tights hid the panties, and the teacher whispered at Maddie to keep her dress down. Yet, she still had a grip on that hem, and it did come up a few more times as she pranced. Meanwhile, just next to Maddie, Ben and Jon had their own little comedy skit going on. They smiled so proudly, so sweetly at their Mama. A few minutes later, Jon lifted his shirt to reach into his back pocket. His little tummy was like a beacon and, as he reached farther behind himself, he turned himself in a circle until he finally pulled the grocery list out of his pocket. When he started folding it into an airplane, the teacher reached over and took it away. He just smiled sweetly. Then Ben, seeing that Jon got a bit of attention, put his arm around Jon (all while the rest of the show goes on). Ben smiled big for a photo with brother, but the sparkle in his eye let me know quickly that something was about to happen. Ben's arm reached around Jon and poked Jon in the ribs. Jon kept smiling like it was part of the show, then as he continued to sing, he plopped his index finger in his mouth. Between song verses, he twisted the finger to get it good and slobbery...(see where this is going?) ... with a smack, that finger came out of his smiling mouth and flew into Ben's ear to wiggle a bit. Ben's eyes gave away the disgust, but he kept his smile big as he reached across his own little body to punch Jon in the gut. Jon's eyes got big, and I almost heard the "oof!" as he bent over. All the sweet little children were still singing, Maddie was still dancing with her dress over her face, and Jon stood up and stuck two fingers in his mouth. Again, the Wet Willie made its way to Ben's ear. So that show went on till the end of the other one. The teacher, off to the side, continually tried to stop the wet-willies, tickling, and punching on the front row, and each time she did, the boys grinned for the cameras. How they kept those huge trouble-making grins on, I'll never know. Later, I asked them to tell Allen what they did. Jon explained that Ben was tickling him, so he returned the favor, "I painted him with my spit thumb." Unfortunately, I didn't get much on film, but the lady in front of me said she would share the video. I'll post if I get it -- in case this wasn't enough to laugh about.

WATCH OUT SPARKY!
Last Sunday, we all went to church, came home for lunch, then put the kids down for naps. Allen went up a time or two to shush them or get them back into bed, then all was quiet. I was in the kitchen and Allen was snoozing watching football when we heard the screams, and Jon and Ben were running down the stairs crying. When I calmed them down, they tearfully said that the fire cut them. Ben was holding his thumb out wailing and I could see that there was something wrong with it. His thumb was black, but my first thought is that it was from a Sunday school craft. When we got to their room, I found a safety pin in front of the blackened outlet and we realized they got zapped. Allen found another safety pin that had a melted tip and a hole in the cap-end. Thankfully, the breaker tripped and it wasn't any worse. Ben did have an ugly burn on his thumb in the shape of the pin he held to the socket, and Jon may have gotten a little zap, too. Whatever happened, the nightlight is gone now, the safety plugs are back in place, and the little boys are talking about the big fire in the wall.

TOOTH FAIRY

Not as much of a story, but the tooth fairy did come again last week. I've already lost track of how many teeth Will has lost, but the last one out was next to the center top ones.

SOLSTICE ECLIPSE
It was such a weird day -- the first day of winter was so warm at 83-degrees the kids wore shorts even when they were playing outside. When I read that there would be a total lunar eclipse on the winter solstice, I thought it might be a neat thing for Will to see. What I didn't take into account was how late it would be. In the end, it worked out fine. We put all the kids in bed that night at the normal time (around 7 pm). Allen and I went to bed at the normal time around 10, and set the alarm for 12:30am. The eclipse was supposed to start at 12:34. We looked outside and were disappointed that it was so cloudy, but when I stepped onto the porch to look for the moon, I realized we might see a little bit of the show. We woke Will, then Allen and I took him to lay on the front lawn and watch the eclipse. We all got sleepy and cold and came in about the time that the moon was completely eclipsed, but the clouds were piling up more and it was getting frustrating trying to watch. We all climbed back into our beds and slept.

MIDWEEK NATURE HIKE
Since Tuesday had such beautiful weather and the warmth was predicted to last a few days, we made outside plans. Wednesday, our family went to a nearby park and walked the nature trail. I chose one that had ten letterboxes, but after we found three, I realized I was getting too frustrated to continue. It seemed like either Allen or I was fussing at the kids to stay close, keep their fingers out of the black ink, bring that back, etc., so I put away the letterbox stuff and we just walked. The point was to have fun, not fuss. Some of the kids needed a bit of direction, so we started looking for letters in nature to spell "Merry Christmas". Jon, Will, and I had the most fun doing that, but Maddie and Allen helped, too. We had a lot of trouble finding an H, so Allen came up with a great idea... it didn't make it to the final greeting, but I wanted to share it here.

COUSIN TIME
Thursday ended up cold, just like Wednesday, but we still had a great day. Our crew drove to meet Jason, Jenn, and cousin Beckham at the fishery. After a few hours of watching fish and trying to catch fish, the kids were all getting tired and hungry. Jason and Jenn found a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that was awesome for our late lunch!! There was barely room for all of us since the restaurant only had five small tables, but we managed. I loved the turkey wrap I had with jalapenos, coconut, and pecans. Mmmmm.... The kids snoozed all the way home, then we had ice cream for dinner and cereal for dessert (yes, in that order.)

CHRISTMAS EVE-ING

Christmas Eve was a nice, mostly lazy day. Well, it was relaxing even though we seemed to get a lot done. Each of the kids wrapped the gift they chose for another. Instead of overwhelming our home with toys by each of the kids buying for the others, instead of overwhelming the house with more cheap stuff we don't need, instead of spending way too much money, instead of skipping gifts altogether, ... we drew names out of a hat. We still wanted the kids to each have the joy of choosing a gift for another person, wrapping it, keeping it a secret, so we put our six names in and everyone got to pick a $10-15 gift for another person. It seemed to be quite fun for everyone. So the kids each got to come in our room, pick a paper, wrap the gift (or at least tear off and stick on the tape,) pick a label, put the names on it, pick a bow, and put the wrapped gift under the tree. I got such a thrill out of the way the kids signed their names, that I had to snap a few pictures of the ones I got to help with. Since Ben was getting me a gift, Allen helped with that one.

To Will, From Maddie

To Maddie (M, lower A, D, D, lower I, backward/upside down lower E), From Jon

To Dad [star -- a favorite shape to draw], From Will

Allen and the kids baked cookies while I hung stockings, and later, the kids and I had fun decorating them with icing, sprinkles, and crushed candy canes. We had an early dinner then went to the Christmas Eve service at church. It was called a silent service since there was no talking, just a string ensemble playing carols and hymns while we sat or took communion. It is a bit comical that it is called "silent" when the room was full of families and children (aka: not so silent). As the instruments played, I was having to shush Maddie next to me as she made up lyrics and sang to the tunes. I finally told her she could hum along, but to quit talking. I suppose it all went okay, but it was a stressful 30-minutes for me since I felt like the kids were distracting others.

We came home, got ready for bed, put out cookies and chocolate milk for Santa (and oats for the reindeer), and Allen read the Christmas Story from Luke as he has every Christmas since we've had kids (and a few before that.) Allen and I made breakfast, set everything up for Christmas morning efficiency, did a few other last minute Christmas Eve preparations, then went to bed .... knowing we'd have to get up early to keep up with the kids :)

Merry Christmas!!

I'll get some more stories posted soon, but until then, I thought I'd share the results of our family hike this past Wednesday. When letterboxing didn't go as planned, we started searching for natural letters to spell "Merry Christmas." You may have to use your imagination a bit (some are upper case, some are lower,) but here is what we found.

Two Stooges

Ben and Jon were playing a silly little game today. They would puff out their cheeks and the other would make his brother make a funny noise. After about five minutes of the goofiness, the laughter was contagious and I had to share it. Before I started the recording Ben had been smacked quite a bit, too, even though Jon gets the sore end in the show.

Mug shots

Will took a green glitter pen upstairs.
Will and Jon went outside to play.
Maddie and Ben were playing upstairs.
Then they came down.
And I about lost it.
Then I decided I would not clean it up.
They can just continue to look ridiculous.
... but they will never see that pen again.

An Amazing Journey

Yesterday, I did something scary...I don't normally shy away from speaking to a group, but this was one story I had to really push myself to share with our MOPS group. Back in September I participated in a Bible study that I loved. It was one that pushed me hard, but brought me closer to God. It was tough, but rewarding. Back when I wrote this, I felt God working on my heart to share it, and I did share it with that small group of 10 ladies. I feel like it's meant to be shared more, and yesterday was a tiny step further since I talked to about 45 ladies this time. Telling this story isn't nearly as hard on me as reading it aloud. When I tell it (without notes) I naturally skip over the painful parts, the parts I never wanted to admit to feeling. When I read it, I remember it all, and can't get through much of it without crying. Back when I found out I was pregnant with triplets, I thought about keeping a journal, but in the end I did not because, at the time, I feared my children would read my thoughts and misinterpret them. Four years later, I've written a lot of the things I was afraid they'd find, but there is a freedom. I am no longer afraid that they would find it and think they were unwanted or unloved...now, my hope is that someday they will read this and see how the amazing journey impacted me spiritually.

I was completely and totally exhausted after MOPS yesterday, and the kids throwing boots through the car on the way home just about reached my last nerve. I was still close to weeping as I urged them to pick up the shoes, socks, jackets, and crafts that littered the car. When they sat for lunch, it hit me that four years ago as the rest of the world celebrated Christmastime, I was spending nights in the Ronald McDonald House and days at the hospital yearning for them to be home. I scooped them close and loved on them for a bit.

I was so glad that my friend Ema was also sharing a very personal story, too. Somehow, it made it a little easier to let down some of my walls knowing that she was right next to me if I needed a pat on the back or another kleenex. Here is what I read...and tried so hard not to cry through:

Time. . . sometimes all it takes is time to hear God’s answers to our prayers. Although He answers all along, I don’t always hear it or see it until time has passed and the healing begins. Three of my children, Ben, Maddie, and Jon, are four years old now. They are healthy preschoolers who love to sing and dance and swing and slide. Ben has such a vivid imagination, Maddie finds beauty in garden weeds, and Jon has such a sweet spirit. My children bring me so much more joy than I ever imagined possible, but the first few months of their lives was filled with grief, anguish, and weariness as God worked some of His miracles on me.

Allen and I had a healthy two-year old son, and we were thrilled to be expecting another baby. When we went for a routine prenatal check-up, we were startled when the sonogram showed three small hearts beating inside me. All at once, I was overwhelmed with emotions – joy that we were pregnant, excitement that there was more than one, fear of the unknown, stress about how we would pay for college for four children – and that is only the beginning of the feelings that overcame me in that first instant. After that, my prayers were, “God, why are you doing this to us?”

I rushed home after that appointment and did as much research as I could about triple pregnancy. I learned that sometimes the three embryos are hiding a fourth; and sometimes, one or more of the embryos dies and is absorbed into the body. We scheduled a second sonogram and my prayers over those two weeks were constantly, “God, let there be three – all three, only three.”

After the second sonogram confirmed there were still triplets, I did my best to pray, but I was overcome with fears as the babies and I faced such high risks. Many studies showed that only about half of the women pregnant with triplets actually deliver triplets. Sometimes the embryos are not viable. Sometimes there are miscarriages or still births. Sometimes the babies are born so prematurely that they are permanently disabled or not strong enough to survive. I was focused on the fears I had for my unborn babies, but I was vividly aware of the risks to my own body.


Although we planned our pregnancy and prayed for a baby, this was more than what I wanted, and I could imagine my happy life changing drastically. I imagined the sleepless nights; I imagined the loneliness I’d feel because I’d be stuck at home; I imagined being overwhelmed with the debt of medical bills, diapers, and formula. Although there was still the hope and excitement that comes with planned pregnancy, this was definitely NOT what I asked for. I was grieving that my body, my family, and my life were changing in ways I never planned. My prayers were often, “God, why me?”
During my pregnancy, my doctor gave me a new goal with each visit. First we had to make it to week 13, then week 16. At week 17, strangers passing me in the store warned me that my baby would be here any day now. My belly was about as big at four months as it was with Will just before he was born full-term. We hit the next few benchmarks -- week 18, then week 24, then week 28, which was my target all along. As soon as I had my 28-week check up, I let my friends schedule the baby shower. My prayers quickly changed to, “God, help me gain weight for my babies. Heal my sore back and my aching hands. God, I am exhausted and they aren’t even here yet. How can I carry these babies by myself? and please, please, please keep them in me long enough they survive.”

At week 29, I went to the hospital for a routine non-stress test, but I already knew I wouldn't be home until after I delivered the triplets. I suspected I was having contractions, but the skin on my tummy was stretched so painfully tight I could only feel them if my hand was on my belly. After spending 30 hours trying to stop my labor, the doctor decided to do the c-section. Our triplets were born on October 17, 2006. The babies were 29 weeks gestationally -- 11 weeks premature. The nurses whisked the babies away quickly, but as they passed me, they showed me each of my children. The last one let me kiss the top of Jon's head before she left, but other than that one time, it was almost a month before any of them were kissed. My prayers were, “God, let them be okay. Please let them live!”

Attachment didn't come as naturally as it did with my first child. The first time around, I felt the little legs kicking my tummy, and I knew I loved the little being that became William. With the triple pregnancy, the doctor told us the risks from the start, and I chose not to get attached. When friends wanted to have a baby shower I resisted -- I didn't want to come home to three of everything if I could not come home with three babies. When my babies arrived, the largest just three pounds, I was still afraid to fall in love; there were just too many things that could go wrong and break my heart. God knew what He was doing when he gave me these three, but I still wondered what He was thinking. My prayers were, “God, help these babies grow, and help me learn to love them.”

I stayed in the hospital a week, and leaving was the hardest and bravest thing I've done in my entire life. I had a two-year old at home 100 miles away who needed a mama, but I also had three preemies who were so fragile that it broke my heart to leave. I remember spending two days crying constantly except when I was asleep -- thankfully, my pain meds helped me to sleep often. I took Will to the sitter those few days because he didn't understand why mama was so sad. I know part of it was the hormone roller-coaster, but a lot of it was that I felt like I was the only one in the maternity ward going to the curb in a wheelchair without a baby. Not only that, but I hadn't even been able to hold them yet. My prayers were still, “God, let them live!” When I was home, away from them, my prayers were, “God, let me be happy again someday.”

The babies were considered micro-preemies because they were under three-pounds. Their little bodies had immature lungs, no feeding reflexes, and severe anemia. Two of them had open vessels in their hearts that needed to be closed, but thankfully they were healed without needing heart surgery. Between the three of them, there were nine blood transfusions. All three started life in incubators not much larger than a shoebox, with an oxygen tube, a feeding tube, and at least one IV going into their small bodies. There were three probes on each of them that showed us their blood oxygen levels, their pulse, and their temperatures. My little babies were covered with tubes and wires. At some point, I knew they would live and my prayers changed to, “God, please let them be healthy and without permanent handicaps.”

They were about 3 weeks old before we were allowed to hold them; their skin was so delicate that Allen and I were only supposed to touch their heads or feet, but not caress them at all. That was so hard when all I wanted to do was cuddle my precious babies and let them know that they were loved. Although I still distanced myself, after I held them, it didn't take long to fall, head over heals, in love with Benjamin, Madeline, and Jonathan. For the first month of their lives, each time the vital monitors alarmed, my heart raced as I assumed the worst. Though there were times they stopped breathing or their hearts stopped beating for a few seconds, I finally learned to be calm with the sirens and just do what was needed. Though other babies in the NICU were struggling to survive, our three thrived. Soon I was confident they would eventually come home, and my prayers became, “God, please let them be home for Christmas.”

You know all the photos parents dream of taking – the birth, holding baby in the hospital, big brother holding baby, baby’s first Christmas? Well, we have some photographs, but I still get nauseated when I see the tubes, needles, wires, and bandages all over my children who were small enough to fit in my palms. So many of my hopes and dreams were shattered the three months we were in the hospital, and my heart was broken and aching, even as we celebrated each milestone they reached. What I hoped would be a beautiful-little-baby times three, looked more like little alien than a little me. Our Thanksgiving was spent eating canned turkey in the hospital cafeteria – but we were thankful. What I hoped for was for a cute picture of my three under our Christmas tree at home, but they were all still in the hospital and our family spent the day there with the nurses and our three miracles.

What I hoped was to bring all three home at the same time just to finally have our family together, but Maddie came home on December 29th. Ben came home on January 8th, and Jon on January 18th, just after they were 3 months old. A lot of people said "at least they didn't come all at once," but I disagreed. As hard as it would've been to adjust to life with three babies at home, what was harder was delivering milk to a hospital almost two hours away while staying home with the other kids. Even harder was that we were hit by a lot of snow. My prayers over those few weeks went from, “God, please let them come home soon,” to “God, please help them learn to eat,” to “God, please melt the snow.”

I had so many hopes that never happened, but, looking back now, they aren’t relevant. There were so many things that could have gone wrong that didn’t and I am very thankful for that. I wish someone had told me that joy would eventually replace my grief. . . .or maybe someone did, but I didn’t hear it through my sobbing.

In John 16:20, Jesus tells his disciples, “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.” I can tell you I haven’t forgotten all of my pain yet, but I know someday I will. My heart is scarred just as my womb is, but I am healing, and I am stronger in the places my heart was broken. In carrying, birthing, and bringing home Ben, Maddie, and Jon, I found that God does answer prayers. In fact, He answers MY prayers.

I can now see the progress God has made in me, and I can imagine what the conversation would be like had it all happened at once. It would sound something like this:

God, why are you doing this to us?

Delight in this adventure, my daughter, as I delight in you. I am rewarding you with children, and your womb will prosper. You already know that in all things I work for your good, for the good of all who love Me, so just delight in this adventure. (Deuteronomy 30:9, Psalm 127:3, Romans 8:28)

God, let there be three – all three and only three

Sweet Sarah, worrying will not add a single hour to your life. If you cannot even do this very little thing, why are you worrying about the rest? Just let Me take care of My job, I have it all figured out already. (Luke 12:25-26)

God, keep these three little ones healthy and make them grow.

I hear your cry, Sarah, and I know your heart and your fears. I care about and love those little ones even more than you ever will. They are wonderfully made; I knit each of them together in your womb, and I already know each of them. They are My children, just as you are. Trust Me to take care of them, just as I care for you. (Psalm 139: 13-14, Jeremiah 1:5)

God, why me?

Only I know the plans I have for you, My Sarah. I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. Yes, you will struggle. But seek me with all your heart, then you will find me and I will rescue you. It may seem harsh, but My plan will work to restore you, to make you strong, stand firm, and be loyal. I promise it will all be okay. (Jeremiah 29:11-14a, I Peter 5:10, 11)

God, help me gain weight for my babies. Heal my sore back and my aching hands. God, I am exhausted and they aren’t even here yet. How can I carry these babies by myself?

Oh, Sarah! It hurts Me that you are hurting. You have come to Me with a weary body and a burdened mind; I will give you rest. I created your body to do good and awesome things – things I’ve known about since I’ve known you. You cannot carry these babies by yourself. You need Me to provide strength and the help of others. You’ve never been good at accepting help, Sarah, but I am working on you. Humble yourself before Me so that I may lift you up. (Matthew 11:28, Ephesians 2:10, I Peter 5:6) I have help lined up for you – My willing servants are ready to support you, pray for you, make a hot dinner for your family, fold laundry, and clean your bathroom. They are anxious to start doing My work, but they are waiting for your permission. Humble yourself; quit pretending you can do it all, and let my servants help. It will bring them such joy, and it will bring Me such joy!

Please, please, please keep them in me long enough they survive.

My Child, I am the Lord, your God, who holds your hand and reminds you: do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

God, let them be okay. Please let my children live!

Sarah, do not be afraid, for I am with you! Do not lose your courage or be upset, for I am your God! I will strengthen you and help you and your children; I will hold you up with my righteous right hand when you cannot seem to hold yourself up any longer. (Isaiah 41:10)

God, let them live!

Sweet Sarah, I have told you over and over again to be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for I am with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

God, let me be happy again someday.

Sweet daughter, it breaks my heart to see you sad, especially when you have so much to be thankful for. I understand your grief, and though now you are weeping, carrying seed to sow, you soon will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with you. (Psalm 126:5-6) You will be happy again, but you cannot know happiness without having grief with which to compare it.

God, please let them be healthy and without permanent handicaps.

Sarah, I give you My peace. It is here for you to take. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27) Can’t you see? Can you see what miracles I am doing with your children? Wipe away your tears so you can clearly see how I am molding you just as I am forming them. No? Someday. . . someday you will see the wonder I am doing at this hard time in your life. No one can count all the wonders I have planned for you. (Psalm 40:5)

God, please let them be home for Christmas. Please let them come home soon, help them learn to eat, and melt the snow.

Daughter, I am the God of hope. Be filled with all joy and peace as you trust in Me. Do not hope in trivial things like the day they will go home or the temperature of the day, but be overflowing with hope in Me. (Romans 15:13) I know you still cannot see it, Sarah, but through these trials I am drawing you closer to Me. Instead of struggling against my hugs for you, you now lean in and embrace Me. You are learning to trust Me and to trust your children to My care. I am pouring My gifts upon you . . . little seeds right now that will root and grow healthy fruit. You are learning to love differently than you’ve ever loved before. You are learning patience – not just the sitting and waiting by the isolettes, but waiting for My perfect timing and being content in your quiet wait. You are learning gentleness and self-control. You are learning to be humble, and that your family, friends, and even strangers have more than enough kindness and goodness to share. And you are learning that you are worthy of their kindness. You are learning that many of My children find joy in helping, and that when you are proud, you prevent them from having that joy. (Galatians 5:22-23) Most of all, Sweet Child, you are learning that Ben, Maddie, Jon, and Will are My children whom I have graciously given to you (Genesis 33:5), My gifts to you for a short time. I have chosen you and Allen to care for them on Earth, but you must turn them over to Me so they can receive the best blessings I have to give. You are learning that I hear your cries, your worries, your broken heart, and I am your strength. One day, Sweet Daughter, you will be able to tell this story and your heart will leap for joy and you will thank me for your journey. (Psalm 28:6-7)

I Need a Silent Night

So far, this week has been sort of a scaled-back version of last week. Monday we were home most of the day, but had lunch with my parents. That night, Will and Allen went to Cub Scouts. Tuesday, the kids were all in school, I went to the little kids' Christmas program (that's another story), met with a friend for coffee, and had our book club meeting (with party and book swap). As I was driving home Tuesday night, I was thinking about the story I'd be telling at MOPS early on Wednesday. Just as the snowball of "What-on-Earth-have-I-gotten-myself-into" started rolling, I heard a beautiful song on the radio. It was on the Christmas Carols station, but I haven't ever heard it. It calmed me, refocused me, and stayed with me all night. This morning I found myself humming it and decided to look it up. It still speaks perfectly for me, because, I need a Silent Night...

I Need A Silent Night by Amy Grant

I've made the same mistake before
Too many malls, too many stores
December traffic, Christmas rush
It breaks me till I push and shove
Children are crying while mothers are trying
To photograph Santa and sleigh
The shopping and buying and standing forever in line
What can I say?

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night

December comes then disappears
Faster and faster every year
Did my own mother keep this pace
Or was the world a different place?
Where people stayed home wishing for snow
Watching three channels on their TV
Look at us now rushing around
Trying to buy Christmas peace

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night

What was it like back there in Bethlehem
With peace on earth, good will toward men?
Every shepherd's out in the field
Keeping watch over their clock by night
And the glory of the Lord shone around them
And they were so afraid
And the angels said, "Fear not for behold
I bring you good news of a great joy that shall be for all people
For unto you is born this day a Savior, who is Christ the Lord
And his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace"

I need a silent night, a holy night
To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise
I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here
To end this crazy day with a silent night
To end this crazy day with a silent night

Lego Creations

In case you ever wondered if they like to do the same things.... the answer is YES!...but they definitely don't do those things the same way. Legos keep Maddie, Ben, and Jon busy for hours at a time, but I'll bet you can guess from these photos who (of these three) really loves playing with Legos. 

Here Comes Santa Claus

Today was a Christmassy day. We took all four kids to the special church service, then we took them to see Santa at the mall. They each had a minute to tell Santa what he should bring them. Will asked for a 3D-DS, Ben wanted a robot, Jon wanted cars, and Maddie wanted Christmas. (At least there is a little bit there to work with....for some of them.) This was the best photo of the bunch, and the only one where all the kids' eyes are open and looking toward the camera. Unfortunately, Maddie was a bit tired of smiling and they were all ready for lunch.

My parents came in the afternoon, and the kids were really wound up. It didn't help that it was too cold to send them outside, especially since Maddie and Ben have what Maddie calls "Dirty Cough." We have another busy week ahead so I [sort of selfishly] hope they get well soon so we don't have to miss the preschool Christmas program that they are so excited about.

Crazy Busy

I know this is a crazy-busy time of year for many people, but I think this is the craziest it has ever been for ME. I the last week, I had so much going on, I stayed out late several nights, and ended up in a pile of exhaustion at the end of each day (or early the next morning.)

Monday night was just different. Will's Cub Scout troop got to tour a TV station, but instead of the normal 7:00 meeting time, they had to be at the station for the 6:00-news. I just took Will to Allen's office right after school. He passed out the popcorn he sold to Allen's coworkers, did some homework, had dinner with Daddy, then they went to the station. That was night #1 that we didn't have dinner as a complete family.

Tuesday night, our entire MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group had a girls' night out. We planned on games, but ended up sitting around just visiting and enjoying tasty food the whole time. It was so much fun to visit with those I knew well, but to get to know a few more ladies a bit more. I love our MOPS group and somehow, I have such affection for each of the moms in the group -- even those I don't know very well. I think God is really getting to the soft side of me, and that is a good thing.

Wednesday night, I had a MOPS steering meeting at 6. It is a once-a-month meeting that just happened to fall in the week of busyness. Allen had a lot going on a work, but he managed to slip away in time to meet me in the church parking lot and switch cars with me. That was the only way I could be on time. Night #2 of partial-family dinner. I stayed late visiting with a friend, then went to visit another friend that night. Another late one, but I was glad to step out of my comfort zone and help a hurting friend (there's another place God's been working on me.)

Thursday night was the only night in December my MOPS table could get together for dinner. It was weird being busy EVERY night with MOPS, but since I'm on steering, leading a table, and still just a MOPS member, I participate in as much as I can. Our table of ten was only seven that night, but we had a blast! We met at our mentor mom's home and enjoyed another night of tasty food and great fellowship. There is something special about getting a bunch of moms together -- it is perfectly acceptable to talk about the weirdest things even at the dinner table, but its neat to get to know people and see how awesome they are NOT because they have everything all together, but BECAUSE they share their imperfections and weaknesses, and I can see them as real. I love that part of MOPS, and I'm working to share my "real"ness, too, but that's another story (or two.) Needless to say, we all stayed out late that night, but I think we all crawled in bed around midnight. It's funny how ten years of age changes midnight from being "early" to being "late" ... or maybe that is just having four kids.

Friday was another awesome day. My friend Norla came to visit for a few hours while her husband Brad was at a meeting. Norla was a friend and roommate in high school. We went to different colleges, but stayed close. She was my maid-of-honor in my wedding, and she was one I requested to come help me when the three babies came home. She is one of my favorite people in the world, and it was nice to just force myself to sit and visit even though there was an endless to do list waiting for me. I've recently read a book about Mary and Martha -- Mary was the one who sat at Jesus' feet and just listened to Him. Martha was the one prepping dinner and cleaning and getting frustrated that Mary wasn't helping. When Martha complained, Jesus told her Mary was doing the right thing. SO....I am working on letting go of the tasks and to-do's and sitting with friends or family and just listening and enjoying their company. After the busy week, it was refreshing to sit and catch up with Norla. ...and the kids loved that she and Brad were willing to push them on the swings and watch their "tricks."

Friday night, we got the kids in bed and Allen helped me make some scones -- the real English kind, not the triangle fruitcakes Americans usually serve and call "scones." I found a recipe for scones and learned to measure flour by weight rather than by cups. I learned that an English pint is not the same volume as two cups, and measured milk by milliliters. I found out that caster's sugar is a bit different than granulated or confectioner's sugar. I wasn't sure what they were supposed to be like, but I was pleased as punch when I found out they were done the right way. The whole time I was making the scones, Allen and I were laughing about the process. We made a few that weren't perfectly round, but that worked well since we needed to taste them before I took them Saturday morning.

Saturday morning was really special. I rarely go to baby showers, and I have definitely never hosted one, but I have special friend who is pregnant with her second little boy. When I found out she was pregnant and brought up the idea of having a shower for her, she immediately said, "No!" She doesn't like being the center of attention, she doesn't like people watching her open gifts, and she already had the basics, so she hated the idea of a shower. BUT... a few of us still felt like she needed something, so we worked with her husband and planned a small surprise shower with an tea-party-feel (Ema is from UK). It was different, unlike ANY baby shower I've attended, but I think Ema enjoyed it, and that was the point. Jennifer, Simone, and I set out to host a proper English Tea. Simone brought English tea bags, made it in a small teapot, and added sugar cubes and milk to each pretty teacup. Jennifer and Simone made finger sandwiches just as Ema explained them to us (long ago, having no clue why we were asking). We knew she would be uncomfortable opening gifts in front of us, so everyone brought unwrapped gifts and we set them out. Cards were passed around and everybody read a prayer for Ema, baby Quinn, or their family. I had so much fun -- preparing for the shower, praying for Ema, using my wedding china that may have not been used before, being with close friends, enjoying the Christmas season, celebrating a little baby Quinn the same time we celebrate Baby Jesus.

I spent Saturday afternoon at home. Resting up for the next week .... for a few minutes. Allen got the Christmas decor out of the attic and we set up the big tree for the first time since the triplets were born. We grumbled a bit about how much we dislike assembling the tree, but before we knew it, the kids were helping us pry the metal branches into shape and the tree was up. We ordered pizza for dinner since Christmas boxes had exploded all over the kitchen, then we all decorated the tree. There is something about unwrapping and hanging the ornaments that I love -- I love the memories of the kids as babies, of the preschool hand-prints, of the special vacations, of the first Christmas together, of our first home, of childhood Christmases. I love the memories that the ornaments bring. That was another night I felt fast asleep with visions of sugarplums dancing....

Little Bits of Today

I decided the title for this entry should be "Little Bits of Today." Just to be clear, though, the "Today" means the present, not necessarily THIS exact day. This is my today... sometimes it is my everyday. These are the little bits that spice up our lives. These are the bits that might sometimes go unnoticed or undocumented. These are the bits that somehow bring me joy (yet, I'm not always sure WHY,) and these are the bits I wanted to get recorded because I'll probably forget them by next week.

"Merry Christmas" on the radio is causing quite the excitement. We've explained to Ben, Maddie, and Jon that it isn't Christmas Day yet, and they don't quite understand that Christmas is a season or a feeling. So, we might be toddling along down the road listening to carols on the radio, then a song sings, "It's Christmas Day...." Suddenly, Ben is shouting, "Hooray!! It's Christmas day -- the guy just said so!" Maddie will correct him, "It isn't Christmas yet; it hasn't snowed yet!" Jon will jump in with his opinion, "Did you see Santa? It can't be Christmas today." Ben will shout over their comments, "But the guy just said so!!" This is a circular conversation that doesn't end until I ask them to stop... No, it doesn't stop then, either. I have to raise my voice to be heard -- sometimes I honk the horn just to get them to stop for a split second so they might hear my instructions, "STOP YELLING!!!" Yeah...it's really hard to parent effectively when you can't be heard. I've tried the whispering thing, and I end up about as obvious as a slight wind. Then we go to the common car rule, "Quit arguing, quit looking at each other, everyone look out your own window." ...then I can turn the radio to the music again and peacefully enjoy hearing about silver bells, shepherds watching their flocks at night, Frosty the snowman, a little town called Bethlehem, and then, "I heard the bells on Christmas Day," and Ben shouts, "Hooray!! It's Christmas day!" ... and it starts all over again like the movie Groundhog Day.

Each day (well, at least the days we plan to leave the house) I send the kids to the bathroom to comb their hair. All of them have really taken to this simple task, and it has freed up some time for me to sip my coffee instead of having to gulp it. Maddie does her hair quite well, combing it a couple hundred times as she gazes into the mirror. I almost always have to ask her to finish the task so someone else can use the step stool, but when she emerges from the powder room, her hair is exactly as it should be. Ben and Jon (and sometimes Will) are another story. When I ask the boys to please comb their hair, they often rush to the bathroom with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning (if you don't have boys, you should know that this type of behavior can be intimidating to a mama who like everything in its place and expects boys to drag their feet for this task.) I usually have to remind them to go in one at a time (to keep little minds from working together to make trouble,) but the story is the same -- they LOVE to soak their blond hair with a wet comb as the faucet runs and runs and runs and runs. When they emerge, they often are sporting a gravity-defying do and I have to bite my tongue to keep from correcting it. Unless it's a picture day, I [try] to be okay with it. I let them march proudly into their preschool class and I hope that people understand I am trying to raise confident children, not children who are constantly corrected for things that don't matter. So when you see my boys, please, please understand that I DID ask them to comb their hair even though I KNEW it would look more normal if I had just skipped the comb all together.

Potty training is progressing. Maddie and Ben wear big-kid undies, Jon still isn't interested. A few weeks ago, Ben said he had to go potty and I could tell it was an emergency. Luckily, we were home, and as he ran by me, I told him, "Hold it till you get to the potty!" Isn't that a common term? When I heard the sobbing, I went to help him. He was standing in a puddle in the bathroom and his hands were dripping wet. "What happened, Ben?" "Mama, you told me to hold it, but it wouldn't stay in my hands." "But why didn't you pee in the potty it is right here?" "Mama, you told me to HOLD it."... my child was obeying my words. We cleaned up the puddle together and it has been a long, long time since I told anyone to hold it.

The other day, I picked up the little ones from school and we drove to the big kid school and waited in line to pick up Will. When we were driving toward the school Ben said he had to go potty. I told him he would have to wait. As we sat in the pick-up line at the school, he reminded me more urgently that he really needed to pee. I sat wondering if I should let him pee in the grass in front of everyone just to keep the car dry, but I wasn't any happier about that idea than I was cleaning up wet carpet in the car. In the end, I had him pee in an empty Starbucks cup. Know what the worst part was??? .... as soon as Ben buckled his seat belt, Jon insisted he couldn't hold it either but he had to poop. This is the life! :)

Another Favorite Soup Recipe

Here in Texas the chill has set in .... at least every other day. In between, the kids are happily playing in shorts and t-shirts. This is another soup that I love, and the best part is that it is SO easy to make. Allen grilled some chicken that we diced and put in it just before serving. I think that makes it a full meal, and that is how we eat it.

Neiman-Marcus Chili Con Queso Tortilla Soup

• 1 large onion, finely chopped
• 6 TB unsalted butter
• 3 cans diced mild green chiles, drained (4oz each)
• 4 cans plum tomatoes, drained seeded and finely chopped, (14.5oz each)
• 12 oz cream cheese, cut into chunks
• 1 quart chicken broth
• 3 cups half-and-half
• 2 1/2 TB fresh lemon juice, or to taste
• Cayenne pepper, to taste
• Salt, to taste
• Tortilla strips, julienned (or tortilla chips)
• Green onions, chopped
• Monterrey jack cheese, grated

Cook onion in butter over moderately low heat in a saucepan, stirring occasionally until onion is softened. Add chiles and tomatoes. Cook mixture 8 to 10 minutes over moderate heat until liquid evaporates, stirring occasionally. Stir in cream cheese. Maintain moderate-to-low heat until cheese melts. Stir in chicken broth, half-and-half, lemon juice, cayenne, and salt. Heat soup over moderate heat until hot, but do not boil. Sprinkle tortilla strips, green onions, and Monterrey jack cheese over individual servings. Makes 8 cups.

A Birthday Celebration

What a DAY!! It started with Daddy making pancakes just because Will likes them. Then, Allen and Will headed for the community Christmas Parade. As soon as they left, the little ones and I started walking to the parade. This is the first time we didn't all go together, but it was the first time Will got to be in it, too. Will's Cub Scout troop had a float for the kids and the parents walked along beside it. It was a gorgeous day for a parade and Ben, Maddie, and Jon started out with plenty of energy. We walked about half a mile (which is a long way to keep up with short people and trying to hold all three hands without tripping.) We got settled in just a few minutes before the parade started. The kids enjoyed seeing all of the parade, and I expected they would LOVE seeing Will and Daddy. Though they did wave and shout their names, it was Santa and Mrs. Claus that got them really excited (of course, the firetruck they were riding was pretty exciting, too.)

Nana and Papa were at our home when we got home from our long walk. Somehow it seemed twice as long walking back even though it was the same distance. Shortly after that, Gramma and Granddad got here, too. We had an oh-so-yummy lunch. Will requested gyros, and since that is one of my favorite meals, he didn't have to ask twice. Will opened gifts and some of the presents he got were a puzzle, Lego Creationary (game), a bunch of gear for camping (mess kit, canteen, compass, etc.), a Cub Scout book and belt, a lot of great books, and a Barnes & Noble gift card.

He asked for a carrot cake and for the decoration all he would say is that it had to have a carrot on it. I wasn't thrilled about the idea of a plain ole' cake with a carrot for my seven year old boy, so I made a rocket ship. Since I forgot until the very end that he asked for a carrot on it, I quickly added the blue carrot to the wing (lower right). Will thought that was hilarious, and I think he was thrilled that I listened to him (whew!!) The little kids napped, while Nana, Gramma, Daddy, Will, and I played his new Lego game. It wasn't long till Papa and Granddad were snoozing...then Nana. I think we were all worn out. We had tortilla soup for dinner, then all the kids crashed early...which meant I could, too. What a day!! ... but Will had a blast, and that's what counts.

Now we are back to nursing another fever -- the third this week, and this time it's Maddie's turn. I'm bummed that we'll miss church again, but T'is the season,... at least in this family.