Tuesday, September 11th

Eleven years ago, I journaled what I was thinking as I felt like the world was falling down around me. I sat at the computer and wrote and wrote and wrote, and at the end I wrote to myself that I wanted to revisit the writing in ten years (that was a year ago today.) I printed it out... just in case. When we lived in Kansas the hard drive crashed that had the document, but we got it fixed because it also had all of the photos from Will's first year. I printed it again... just in case. Last year, I searched for the printouts, but didn't find them until a bit later in September. I went ahead and started retyping it for my blog, and it has been in my "drafts" folder for almost a year. The kids do occasionally ask me about 9-11, and I try to answer their questions truthfully, but without giving them the nightmares that taunted me.

Today, one of Will's assignments was to ask a family member what they were doing on that day and how they felt. I told him what I could recall, then I remembered the draft and promised him I would share the story I wrote as it was all unfolding. Here is what I wrote:

I haven’t had anyone I say this to since this all happened. I have talked to my parents, my husband, and my friend on the telephone. I have talked to people at work, at the store, at the blood drive -- so few have smiles. In an effort to calm down, I thought I could just write to get my feelings out. Maybe someday I will find a book about the facts of this week. If so, I will put these thoughts in it. – Sarah

14 September 2001- Friday
On Tuesday, September 11th, I woke up and reminded myself to call Mema to wish her Happy Birthday. I showered, let the dog out, and jumped in the car to head to work. At about 7:30am, I got to the office (in a house) and sat at the computer. I was working on finishing the quarterly review for the afternoon meeting.

Gerry Hoffman came to the Coffeyville, Kansas, office soon after me. Since he always has the TV on to pay attention to stock scrolls, he turned it on and watched for a few minutes. Soon, he called for me to come see that they were reporting a plane had just flown into the World Trade Center in New York City. As I walking in to see what he was talking about, the second plane hit the second tower and I watched the fireball. I asked Gerry if that was a replay just as the reporter screamed at the nightmare unfolding.

I had just seen live footage and was as surprised as the rest of the country watching. At that point, no one knew what happened. There were speculations that the first crash had been an accident, but when the second plane hit so “perfectly,” there was no question in my mind that this was all intentional. How could people do that? I went back to the office to work and checked the TV periodically only to be sickened by the constant replaying of the second hit.

Not long after the “bombings” as they are now called, President George W. Bush made a statement from Florida, but I did not hear it. From what I remember, that was about the time that FAA grounded all planes in the US. I ran into the room when I heard a break into the story. What was the panic on the TV about? That is when we were informed that a third plane hit the Pentagon in Washington, D.C.

I remember the reporter on the news saying that any planes in the air were going to be considered a danger; they knew by then that all three planes were hijacked. I was actually trembling in fear over what was happening, but I was still holding out hope that Bruce Willis would come to the rescue like in all the action movies that looked just like this. I did not know of anyone I knew being involved, but I was terrified that our country was so vulnerable. All the guys I work with kept saying, “We should start bombing every one of our enemies now and ask questions later.” I could not shake the fear, and I hated not understanding the grip that morning’s horror had on my emotions. President Bush said we would “hunt down and punish those responsible.”

I was emotionally wrecked and could not concentrate. Allen was in San Antonio and I knew he was okay, but I really wanted to talk to him. I needed to talk to someone – the guys at work were getting hostile about it all, and that only made me more anxious. I wanted to cry, but not with them there. I called Mom and had to leave a message. She called me after awhile, but even after talking to her, I was not any calmer. When I came back to the TV, it was not long until they announced that a plane crashed outside Pittsburgh. I was in Pittsburgh only a month ago! It started hitting closer to home for me and I was getting increasingly more nervous – the terror was not slowing down! It was not a “movie” anymore.

I don’t remember now what order some of this happened – maybe the first WTC tower had crumbled, and as we were watching the live footage of the smoke, ash, and debris of Manhattan, the second tower fell like a house of cards. It looked just like when buildings are deliberately imploded, and we all thought that was part of the terrorists act. When the first tower was hit, both towers were starting to evacuate. They were still evacuating when the second hit happened about 20 minutes after the first. So many ambulances, police, and especially firefighters showed up to fight the fires and save the injured. The towers fell on top of all those people who were there to help.

When the plane crashed in Pennsylvania, we all we talking trying to figure out if it was shot out of the sky by the US. Three days later, we know a lot more and the information is nauseating. The plane that hit the Pentagon and the one that crashed in Pennsylvania were supposed to hit the Whitehouse and the President’s jet. The one that hit D.C. couldn’t spot the original target. On the airplane that went down in PA, a man called his wife on a cell phone from the bathroom to tell her there were hijackers with knives but that the passengers were going to try to get control of them. He told her to take care of their 3-month old baby; he did not plan on living through the ordeal. Throughout the last few days, the quake and the fires have destroyed more buildings in NYC that were near the World Trade Center. It has been determined that no one on any of the four planes survived, and FBI has figured out who 19 of the hijackers were. The US is linking the terrorism to Osama Bin Laden who is hiding in Afghanistan, but Afghanistan denies any involvement. This all happened Tuesday morning. Everyone I have seen is in a state of shock. No one talks about anything else. Here it is Friday, and it is all still the talk of the world and I figure it will be for quite a while. The stock market closed when all this happened. Our financial districts have been closed since then, but are supposed to reopen Monday. The NY Stock Exchange looks like a set from “ER” because it is the triage center. There are not many bodies that are being recovered alive, but the entire country rejoiced when several firefighters were found alive. New York now has 30,000 body bags on hand – not because there are that many bodies, but so many body parts.

This tragedy originally was compared to the bombing of Pearl Harbor – but even then there were not so many bodies, and civilians were not the targets. Now the bloodshed on American soil is being compared to the Civil War. How many died then?

I got to talk to Allen and my parents on Tuesday, and I called Mema to wish her Happy Birthday. I could not quit thinking of all the frantic husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, siblings and children who were torn apart from their families. As awful and helpless and empty as I feel, I know it doesn’t compare to those whose loved ones were killed or lost in the pile of concrete, steel, fire, and smoke. I can’t stand needles, but the way I feel about needles is so insignificant now. I gave blood on Wednesday. I waited 5 ½ hours, but at least I was not spending that time crushed alive beneath a building wondering what happened or wondering if my husband was alive. I am glad I can think straight enough to put this in perspective – but thinking like this brings tears to my heart and soon my eyes.

The ones who are alive under there—
Do they wonder what happened or do they know?
Do they have enough energy to scream for help or are their voices too tired by now?
Do they try to stay awake or do they choose to sleep forever?
Do they know we want to hear them but we cannot?
Are the conscious or coherent?
Do they pray for help to reach them? …for their lives? …for their families? …for eternal salvation? for justice?
Do they pray that God will forgive the ones who did this?
Are they scared or have they already accepted their deaths and hope that the life after has peace?
Do they know Jesus will hold their hands in that moment if they will let Him?
Do they know how much we care?
Are they in pain as am I?
Or are they numb?
Do they feel as helpless as I do?
…As frightened?
…As lonely?
…As empty?

President Bush declared today a National Day of Prayer and Remembrance. Everyone with a flag has it out today. Wal-Mart was out, and I do not have a flag. I will get one as soon as I can find one. Yesterday, Queen Elizabeth had the Star Spangled Banner played during the changing of the guards at Buckingham Palace. That song has always brought a tear to my eye, but knowing that she had it played for us was tear-jerking all the more. Most of the world has rallied behind us – including Russia and China. Today, even Pakistan said they were behind us in the fight against terrorism.

Children in Syria have been dancing in the streets since Tuesday. They are partying like it is New Year’s Eve. Like New Year’s Eve signifies, time has changed; but the children dance because they are elated that terror has hit our country.

Through all bad things God brings good, and our country is standing strong and together on this. For the first time ever, there is a surplus of blood, and the Red Cross is able to order freezers to store the supply. Our military is on high alert status. War has been declared on terrorism. Although we have not sent troops to war over this yet, it seems inevitable that it will happen.

Although the terrorists tore families apart, they did not succeed in tearing the United States of America apart. It has definitely torn me apart. I need a hug – Allen will be home tonight – I hope. FAA let planes start flying yesterday, and I know Allen is on his way to Houston right now.

God, bring him home safely – even if it is not for a few weeks. Thank you, God, for not letting him be on one of the hijacked planes or in one of the buildings that was hit. Thank you for holding us in the palm of your hand, close to your heart. I feel so helpless. The only way I know to help is to pray that others are found alive and that peace comes to those who have lost loved ones. And I pray for energy and perseverance for rescue workers. God, please guide our country and our government as they are making decisions that affect the entire world. Please show them what You want from us. God protect the United States people from this happening again. Please, God, remove my anxiety, my fear, my emptiness. Help me fill this void in my heart with You. God, I am glad you know my heart, because I cannot put all these feelings into words. Words just cannot describe these feelings in my heart and in my gut. I feel so vulnerable, but there is nowhere to hide if there is no one to hide from. I cannot hide from evil, God, so please help me fight it. President Bush quoted Psalm 23rd Tuesday night: And though we walk in the valley of the shadow of death, You are with us. Please let everyone affected by this tragedy be as comforted by that passage as I am. Amen.