Bright and Early Adventures: Day 3 (8/22/12)

We up bright and early for the third day in a row. We started the day at the grocery store just getting our food for the week. At 7:30 in the morning, our store is incredibly UNcrowded, so we could wander around and I wasn't paranoid that the kids would crash into someone (they sometimes forget to watch where they are going.)

We took the groceries home and everyone helped put them away. I packed a picnic lunch, a couple towels to sit on, and the watercolors, markers, and sketchbooks, then we headed to the other side of Tyler to do art at the Rose Gardens. The gardens are really such a beautiful place to be for a picnic or a walk, but this was the first time we brought art supplies. We found a mostly-shady spot where the kids could sit on rocks or on a bench, and we had plenty of inspiration all around us.

I enjoy watching the kids draw when they are looking at something and trying to put it on paper. Maddie did a great job on these yellow and purple flowers.

Everyone used the markers for awhile, but eventually, the art world surrendered to nature for Ben and Will. Those two boys played for hours -- running through the paths, crawling under big leaves, watching all types of bugs, piling acorns, pinecones, and pecans. 

Jon eventually joined the other two boys, and he was immediately drawn to all the green pecans. He arranged several in a circle and spent about twenty minutes keeping his siblings from casting shadows on the nuts he was "sun roasting." He finally realized he was getting nowhere on his chef-project and gave it up. 

After a couple hours of drawing and exploring, we settled by the fountain for lunch. Why does food -- the same lunch we eat almost every day -- taste so much better in a pretty setting?

The library was our last stop of the day. The cool quiet was enjoyable, and I let the kids stretch out the time until some started getting restless. The ride home was quiet -- it always is when they all have piles of "new" books to read.  

What a day! Three really busy -- and early -- days in a row seems to be taking its toll on the kids. They are getting pretty tired and cranky by the end of the day. On a great note, they have all fallen fast asleep immediately after they get their good night kisses. I won't complain about that one!

Bright and Early Adventures: Day 2 (8/21/12)

After the fun we had yesterday, the kids reluctantly got up early, but then they raced downstairs to see what was posted on our adventure board. I don't tell them the night before what is coming up, I just write it on the dry erase boards by the kitchen table. They all want to be the first to see what we are doing. I was surprised the curiosity caught on so quickly, but they did have fun yesterday.

Today was a BLAST! First we took about a forty-minute drive to the Caddo Indian Mounds, a state historic park. We waited at the gate about five minutes because we got there just before it opened at 8:30am. The morning couldn't have been prettier, and, except for the park ranger running the museum, we had the whole place to ourselves until we left a couple hours later.

When we were ready to go, we were still the only ones there. By then, the kids had already asked the ranger a lot of questions and were fairly comfortable talking with him. He asked me if he could show them the atl atls -- basically: spear throwers. He not only showed the weapons to the kids, but he demonstrated them then let each of the kids try a few times. They all thought that was pretty awesome!

Our second stop was to a small village museum in Nacogdoches. Normally, the kids really enjoy seeing these type of places -- especially when there are demonstrations. Today, we were lucky again, because there were demonstrations, hands-on activities, and were were the only ones there. The docent taught the kids to haul water from the well, how to wash laundry on a wash board in a tub, how to wring them dry and hang them on the line. Will was excited and asked why we couldn't do laundry like that every day since it was so much fun.

After the first round of outdoor chores, the guide played some fun music on a pump organ, then she let each of the kids pump the pedal and pound the keys.

We walked through the "village" and stopped at the barn for some corn cobbing. First, the kids raced to see who could push all the kernels off a cob the fastest. After their thumbs were a little bit pink, she showed them the machine that they could crank to do the same thing. They finished that stop with a couple rounds of corn cob dart (lobbing feathered empty cobs trying to hit each other from a distance.)

Our next stop was at a log cabin. The kids learned to hand-plow the dirt -- a couple of them had to re-plow because they walked through their plowed dirt. They "planted" corn, pumped water to wash their hands, went inside to fluff the feather bed and learn about night-time potty habits before there was indoor plumbing.

Maybe it was because school is about to start, maybe it was just the novelty of a one-room schoolhouse, but the kids (especially the youngest three) loved the school house. They donned hats and bonnets, found their seats, and were told how to sit properly and greet visitors. After a few lessons in old-fashioned etiquette, our guide cut some feathers and made quill pens. She helped the kids dip the quills in ink, and we all wrote our names until the feather ran dry.

We finished the tour by ringing the church bell, seeing the church, trying a change-maker, and shopping at the old fashioned general store.

What a day! Though it was only our second day of outings, I think today may have made it to the top summer days list. The kids all had such a good time ... and they learned a lot, too! I really enjoyed it all, especially seeing the joy of them learning and trying new things. I. Loved. Today!

Tuesday, September 11th

Eleven years ago, I journaled what I was thinking as I felt like the world was falling down around me. I sat at the computer and wrote and wrote and wrote, and at the end I wrote to myself that I wanted to revisit the writing in ten years (that was a year ago today.) I printed it out... just in case. When we lived in Kansas the hard drive crashed that had the document, but we got it fixed because it also had all of the photos from Will's first year. I printed it again... just in case. Last year, I searched for the printouts, but didn't find them until a bit later in September. I went ahead and started retyping it for my blog, and it has been in my "drafts" folder for almost a year. The kids do occasionally ask me about 9-11, and I try to answer their questions truthfully, but without giving them the nightmares that taunted me.

Today, one of Will's assignments was to ask a family member what they were doing on that day and how they felt. I told him what I could recall, then I remembered the draft and promised him I would share the story I wrote as it was all unfolding. Here is what I wrote:

I haven’t had anyone I say this to since this all happened. I have talked to my parents, my husband, and my friend on the telephone. I have talked to people at work, at the store, at the blood drive -- so few have smiles. In an effort to calm down, I thought I could just write to get my feelings out. Maybe someday I will find a book about the facts of this week. If so, I will put these thoughts in it. – Sarah

14 September 2001- Friday
On Tuesday, September 11th, I woke up and reminded myself to call Mema to wish her Happy Birthday. I showered, let the dog out, and jumped in the car to head to work. At about 7:30am, I got to the office (in a house) and sat at the computer. I was working on finishing the quarterly review for the afternoon meeting.

Gerry Hoffman came to the Coffeyville, Kansas, office soon after me. Since he always has the TV on to pay attention to stock scrolls, he turned it on and watched for a few minutes. Soon, he called for me to come see that they were reporting a plane had just flown into the World Trade Center in New York City. As I walking in to see what he was talking about, the second plane hit the second tower and I watched the fireball. I asked Gerry if that was a replay just as the reporter screamed at the nightmare unfolding.

I had just seen live footage and was as surprised as the rest of the country watching. At that point, no one knew what happened. There were speculations that the first crash had been an accident, but when the second plane hit so “perfectly,” there was no question in my mind that this was all intentional. How could people do that? I went back to the office to work and checked the TV periodically only to be sickened by the constant replaying of the second hit.

Not long after the “bombings” as they are now called, President George W. Bush made a statement from Florida, but I did not hear it. From what I remember, that was about the time that FAA grounded all planes in the US. I ran into the room when I heard a break into the story. What was the panic on the TV about? That is when we were informed that a third plane hit the Pentagon in Washington, D.C.

I remember the reporter on the news saying that any planes in the air were going to be considered a danger; they knew by then that all three planes were hijacked. I was actually trembling in fear over what was happening, but I was still holding out hope that Bruce Willis would come to the rescue like in all the action movies that looked just like this. I did not know of anyone I knew being involved, but I was terrified that our country was so vulnerable. All the guys I work with kept saying, “We should start bombing every one of our enemies now and ask questions later.” I could not shake the fear, and I hated not understanding the grip that morning’s horror had on my emotions. President Bush said we would “hunt down and punish those responsible.”

I was emotionally wrecked and could not concentrate. Allen was in San Antonio and I knew he was okay, but I really wanted to talk to him. I needed to talk to someone – the guys at work were getting hostile about it all, and that only made me more anxious. I wanted to cry, but not with them there. I called Mom and had to leave a message. She called me after awhile, but even after talking to her, I was not any calmer. When I came back to the TV, it was not long until they announced that a plane crashed outside Pittsburgh. I was in Pittsburgh only a month ago! It started hitting closer to home for me and I was getting increasingly more nervous – the terror was not slowing down! It was not a “movie” anymore.

I don’t remember now what order some of this happened – maybe the first WTC tower had crumbled, and as we were watching the live footage of the smoke, ash, and debris of Manhattan, the second tower fell like a house of cards. It looked just like when buildings are deliberately imploded, and we all thought that was part of the terrorists act. When the first tower was hit, both towers were starting to evacuate. They were still evacuating when the second hit happened about 20 minutes after the first. So many ambulances, police, and especially firefighters showed up to fight the fires and save the injured. The towers fell on top of all those people who were there to help.

When the plane crashed in Pennsylvania, we all we talking trying to figure out if it was shot out of the sky by the US. Three days later, we know a lot more and the information is nauseating. The plane that hit the Pentagon and the one that crashed in Pennsylvania were supposed to hit the Whitehouse and the President’s jet. The one that hit D.C. couldn’t spot the original target. On the airplane that went down in PA, a man called his wife on a cell phone from the bathroom to tell her there were hijackers with knives but that the passengers were going to try to get control of them. He told her to take care of their 3-month old baby; he did not plan on living through the ordeal. Throughout the last few days, the quake and the fires have destroyed more buildings in NYC that were near the World Trade Center. It has been determined that no one on any of the four planes survived, and FBI has figured out who 19 of the hijackers were. The US is linking the terrorism to Osama Bin Laden who is hiding in Afghanistan, but Afghanistan denies any involvement. This all happened Tuesday morning. Everyone I have seen is in a state of shock. No one talks about anything else. Here it is Friday, and it is all still the talk of the world and I figure it will be for quite a while. The stock market closed when all this happened. Our financial districts have been closed since then, but are supposed to reopen Monday. The NY Stock Exchange looks like a set from “ER” because it is the triage center. There are not many bodies that are being recovered alive, but the entire country rejoiced when several firefighters were found alive. New York now has 30,000 body bags on hand – not because there are that many bodies, but so many body parts.

This tragedy originally was compared to the bombing of Pearl Harbor – but even then there were not so many bodies, and civilians were not the targets. Now the bloodshed on American soil is being compared to the Civil War. How many died then?

I got to talk to Allen and my parents on Tuesday, and I called Mema to wish her Happy Birthday. I could not quit thinking of all the frantic husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, siblings and children who were torn apart from their families. As awful and helpless and empty as I feel, I know it doesn’t compare to those whose loved ones were killed or lost in the pile of concrete, steel, fire, and smoke. I can’t stand needles, but the way I feel about needles is so insignificant now. I gave blood on Wednesday. I waited 5 ½ hours, but at least I was not spending that time crushed alive beneath a building wondering what happened or wondering if my husband was alive. I am glad I can think straight enough to put this in perspective – but thinking like this brings tears to my heart and soon my eyes.

The ones who are alive under there—
Do they wonder what happened or do they know?
Do they have enough energy to scream for help or are their voices too tired by now?
Do they try to stay awake or do they choose to sleep forever?
Do they know we want to hear them but we cannot?
Are the conscious or coherent?
Do they pray for help to reach them? …for their lives? …for their families? …for eternal salvation? for justice?
Do they pray that God will forgive the ones who did this?
Are they scared or have they already accepted their deaths and hope that the life after has peace?
Do they know Jesus will hold their hands in that moment if they will let Him?
Do they know how much we care?
Are they in pain as am I?
Or are they numb?
Do they feel as helpless as I do?
…As frightened?
…As lonely?
…As empty?

President Bush declared today a National Day of Prayer and Remembrance. Everyone with a flag has it out today. Wal-Mart was out, and I do not have a flag. I will get one as soon as I can find one. Yesterday, Queen Elizabeth had the Star Spangled Banner played during the changing of the guards at Buckingham Palace. That song has always brought a tear to my eye, but knowing that she had it played for us was tear-jerking all the more. Most of the world has rallied behind us – including Russia and China. Today, even Pakistan said they were behind us in the fight against terrorism.

Children in Syria have been dancing in the streets since Tuesday. They are partying like it is New Year’s Eve. Like New Year’s Eve signifies, time has changed; but the children dance because they are elated that terror has hit our country.

Through all bad things God brings good, and our country is standing strong and together on this. For the first time ever, there is a surplus of blood, and the Red Cross is able to order freezers to store the supply. Our military is on high alert status. War has been declared on terrorism. Although we have not sent troops to war over this yet, it seems inevitable that it will happen.

Although the terrorists tore families apart, they did not succeed in tearing the United States of America apart. It has definitely torn me apart. I need a hug – Allen will be home tonight – I hope. FAA let planes start flying yesterday, and I know Allen is on his way to Houston right now.

God, bring him home safely – even if it is not for a few weeks. Thank you, God, for not letting him be on one of the hijacked planes or in one of the buildings that was hit. Thank you for holding us in the palm of your hand, close to your heart. I feel so helpless. The only way I know to help is to pray that others are found alive and that peace comes to those who have lost loved ones. And I pray for energy and perseverance for rescue workers. God, please guide our country and our government as they are making decisions that affect the entire world. Please show them what You want from us. God protect the United States people from this happening again. Please, God, remove my anxiety, my fear, my emptiness. Help me fill this void in my heart with You. God, I am glad you know my heart, because I cannot put all these feelings into words. Words just cannot describe these feelings in my heart and in my gut. I feel so vulnerable, but there is nowhere to hide if there is no one to hide from. I cannot hide from evil, God, so please help me fight it. President Bush quoted Psalm 23rd Tuesday night: And though we walk in the valley of the shadow of death, You are with us. Please let everyone affected by this tragedy be as comforted by that passage as I am. Amen.

More Gifts

Many weeks ago, I posted that I was making a list of my One Thousand Gifts. Here are some more of my little treasures:

31. Sun rays coming through leafy trees
32. Morning glories blooming on the fence
33. Family -- four generations have a sweet time sharing adventures together
34. Twinkling tunes of our wind chimes
35. My sister-in-law and I laughing so hard we end up crying
36. Blue birds snacking in the backyard
37. My kids knowing how to swim when they fall into a river
38. Special days with my kids
39. 80-degree weather in Texas in August

40. Pickles being predictable -- only climbing on our bed when Allen and I are both in it
41. Sharply cool and clear river water
42. A friend calling to encourage me... just because
43. Shadow's graying muzzle gently brushing my ear
44. Sitting next to Allen and all four kids at church
45. Jon being excited to have a friend
46. Ben, Maddie, and Jon playing inseparably after spending the day apart
47. Heart-let prayers of five-year olds
48. A tingle in my spine when Allen holds my hand
49. My back stopped hurting

50. Maddie being thrilled to be going to school
51. New-to-us furniture that is comfy enough for an unplanned nap
52. Hearing the Star Spangled Banner while watching the Olympics
53. Ben's eyes when he is smiling at me
54. Rain!
55. Will exclaimed, "My school day was awesome! I love this school!"
56. Ben stopping and stooping to study bugs
57. Peach juice running to my elbows
58. An email from Will just saying "I love you."
59. Ben whispering to me that he loves school
60. My children's independence, adventurous spirits, and eagerness to learn

61. Finding time for a great book... every day
62. Maddie's freckles sprinkled across her cheeks and nose
63. ... and when she covers her mouth trying to hold back the cute joyful giggles
64. Sunlight coming through stormy clouds at sunrise
65. The quiet of the early morning darkness

Mama Crushed

Today is the second day of school. Yesterday was tougher than I planned, but today, Maddie and Jon insisted on going in the school without me. Ben saved me by asking me to go in with him (I was glad to still feel needed). When we got to the school, I was crushed when all three insisted they were big enough kids to go in without me. "We're big kids now. Just drop us off at the door." ... even Ben insisted. When I did drop them off, they didn't even look back. I cried a bit. It is hard to go from being constantly needed for the last eight-and-a-half years to feeling unneeded all of a sudden. That's what I get for teaching them to be adventurous. Hopefully, this nest-fledging will be the hardest one until they are 18 and heading off to college.

Starting School

Today was the first day of school for all four kids. Ben, Maddie, and Jon are attending kindergarten at a charter school -- still a public school, but with a few more options than we had at the school we should go to based on where our home is. At the charter school, the kids will be exposed to three types of music classes (musical theater, choir, and violin), they will do PE and dance, they will have art and Spanish -- many of the classes are things I'd like them to be exposed to, but I'd rather not be driving all over town after school trying to fit it all in before dinner. Will is attending a different charter school through UT Tyler. His is a half-day project-based learning experience. Though he is in third grade, his class is actually a mix of fifteen third- and fourth-grade kids. We are really excited about his opportunities there, but I will share more as the year progresses.

All the kids were up on time, ready on time, and even had enough time to spare for Ben and Jon to change into different shirts since the others got egg all over them.

Last week, when I told the kids they would each have their own class and teacher, Ben was upset and started sobbing, "But I don't want to be without Maddie and Jon!" I explained that he would get to have his own class and not have to share his teacher with his sister and brother, but he could play with them at recess. When he understood they would still be close by, he wiped his tears and said, "OK. Let's do it." By this morning, Ben was excited because at school he would meet more girlfriends -- he explained he really wanted forty, more than anyone. Maddie insisted SHE would be able to get more girlfriends. Ben said she needed to get more boyfriends. She replied, "Maybe another day."

Maddie was the most obviously excited of the bunch. For the past week and a half, she has counted the number of days until meet-the-teacher. Then she counted down the days till today. Friday night, she was anxious to go to bed early because when she woke up, it would be closer to the first day of school. "It-is-one-day-closer-to-Monday-and-Monday-is-the-first-day-of- school-and-I'm-so-excited-because-I-get-to-learn-a-lot-and-go-to-art-and-do-math-and-Mrs.Maschall-said-I-will-get-to-help-other-kids-read-and-Mama-I-just-can't-wait!" (insert maniacal giggling here). It was definitely an understatement to say she was exited. She was excited to get to meet new friends, and she promised me she would "try hard to make friends who were both brown and peach."

Jon was also thrilled to be heading off to school. "I'm finally in kindergarten big-school! Now how much longer until we get to the real math problems." I am a bit worried that he and Maddie will get bored. Both of their teachers said they've never had a student know how to read before kindergarten. Those two love playing school, so I don't anticipate any problems, but they will likely find learning the alphabet a bit dull. Jon went to school wanting to learn how to add double digits, but the syllabus said they would be learning to write and identify numbers.

Will is too cool to admit he is looking forward to this school year. Until I picked him up from school, he insisted he already knows what school is like and he knew he wouldn't like it. He was a little bit excited that he was taking his newly-assigned iPad to school. Allen took Will to his school since it is on the way to work, so I don't know what the discussions were in the car.

I took the youngest three. We all talked on the way, and at one point I was {sort of? not really?} joking that I might be lonely at home with all my kids at school. Jon and Maddie overwhelmed me with their wisdom as they finished each others thoughts and sentences to tell me, "Mama, don't worry about being lonely. When we are at school it will be quiet, and God always sits with you when it's quiet. You won't be alone." I took a steadying breath and pinched my eyelids shut to keep them from overflowing, and I told them they were absolutely right. We pulled into the school parking lot before I could tear up any more.

Jon's classroom was first, and he marched right in, hung up his backpack, and took his seat. Maddie's class was next, but she agreed to help take Ben to his first (their classroom doors are about two feet apart, so it wasn't really a detour.) Ben also went in without really looking back at me. Maddie was last and, just like her brothers, she went right in; she found her play-doh and took her seat. That was it. I sort of glumly walked back to the car. I felt a bit lost and unneeded and my eyes threatened to water again. Somehow, I held back the tears. I have been looking forward to the peace and quiet, but I don't think I realized how suddenly it would happen. Did I expect the noise to trickle away to nothing?

This morning, I went to the grocery store right after dropping them off. I sat in the car and called Allen to find out that dropping off Will and his friend went pretty smoothly. I called a friend and just chatted for a few minutes -- sort of my "getting my mind back together" conversation. I went in and got all my groceries quickly -- I'd forgotten how easy that is without reminding kids to stay with me and not touch. I don't think I've had that easy of a shopping trip in almost six months. I came home and put the groceries away. I mentally went through the list of what I wanted to do in my quiet times -- catch up on the blog, clean out the pantry and freezers, reorganize the office, work on Will's scout quilt, read, listen to some school lectures, catch up on my current Bible study workbook, read ahead for the Bible study I start next week, read a bunch of books that are piled dangerously on my nightstand, sit and do nothing. My list is long, but I wanted to capture a few of the moments from this morning before I lost the thoughts in all the busyness.

I picked Will up at noon, and for the first time EVER, he told me, "My school day was AWESOME, Mom! I LOVE this school!" He and I worked on some of his assignments after we had lunch. Ben, Maddie, and Jon also had great days. When we got home, the three little ones went upstairs to play. Three hours later, they were still playing well together, and every time I checked on them, they were huddled close together. I'm guessing they missed each other and had to get their sibling time in before the end of the day.

Just before dinner, Ben told me, "Mama, thanks for sending me a text message at school." I asked what he meant and he showed me the note I put in his lunchbox. I got a kick out of him calling it a text message, but that may be what I call those little love notes from now on.