Tuesday, September 11th

Eleven years ago, I journaled what I was thinking as I felt like the world was falling down around me. I sat at the computer and wrote and wrote and wrote, and at the end I wrote to myself that I wanted to revisit the writing in ten years (that was a year ago today.) I printed it out... just in case. When we lived in Kansas the hard drive crashed that had the document, but we got it fixed because it also had all of the photos from Will's first year. I printed it again... just in case. Last year, I searched for the printouts, but didn't find them until a bit later in September. I went ahead and started retyping it for my blog, and it has been in my "drafts" folder for almost a year. The kids do occasionally ask me about 9-11, and I try to answer their questions truthfully, but without giving them the nightmares that taunted me.

Today, one of Will's assignments was to ask a family member what they were doing on that day and how they felt. I told him what I could recall, then I remembered the draft and promised him I would share the story I wrote as it was all unfolding. Here is what I wrote:

I haven’t had anyone I say this to since this all happened. I have talked to my parents, my husband, and my friend on the telephone. I have talked to people at work, at the store, at the blood drive -- so few have smiles. In an effort to calm down, I thought I could just write to get my feelings out. Maybe someday I will find a book about the facts of this week. If so, I will put these thoughts in it. – Sarah

14 September 2001- Friday
On Tuesday, September 11th, I woke up and reminded myself to call Mema to wish her Happy Birthday. I showered, let the dog out, and jumped in the car to head to work. At about 7:30am, I got to the office (in a house) and sat at the computer. I was working on finishing the quarterly review for the afternoon meeting.

Gerry Hoffman came to the Coffeyville, Kansas, office soon after me. Since he always has the TV on to pay attention to stock scrolls, he turned it on and watched for a few minutes. Soon, he called for me to come see that they were reporting a plane had just flown into the World Trade Center in New York City. As I walking in to see what he was talking about, the second plane hit the second tower and I watched the fireball. I asked Gerry if that was a replay just as the reporter screamed at the nightmare unfolding.

I had just seen live footage and was as surprised as the rest of the country watching. At that point, no one knew what happened. There were speculations that the first crash had been an accident, but when the second plane hit so “perfectly,” there was no question in my mind that this was all intentional. How could people do that? I went back to the office to work and checked the TV periodically only to be sickened by the constant replaying of the second hit.

Not long after the “bombings” as they are now called, President George W. Bush made a statement from Florida, but I did not hear it. From what I remember, that was about the time that FAA grounded all planes in the US. I ran into the room when I heard a break into the story. What was the panic on the TV about? That is when we were informed that a third plane hit the Pentagon in Washington, D.C.

I remember the reporter on the news saying that any planes in the air were going to be considered a danger; they knew by then that all three planes were hijacked. I was actually trembling in fear over what was happening, but I was still holding out hope that Bruce Willis would come to the rescue like in all the action movies that looked just like this. I did not know of anyone I knew being involved, but I was terrified that our country was so vulnerable. All the guys I work with kept saying, “We should start bombing every one of our enemies now and ask questions later.” I could not shake the fear, and I hated not understanding the grip that morning’s horror had on my emotions. President Bush said we would “hunt down and punish those responsible.”

I was emotionally wrecked and could not concentrate. Allen was in San Antonio and I knew he was okay, but I really wanted to talk to him. I needed to talk to someone – the guys at work were getting hostile about it all, and that only made me more anxious. I wanted to cry, but not with them there. I called Mom and had to leave a message. She called me after awhile, but even after talking to her, I was not any calmer. When I came back to the TV, it was not long until they announced that a plane crashed outside Pittsburgh. I was in Pittsburgh only a month ago! It started hitting closer to home for me and I was getting increasingly more nervous – the terror was not slowing down! It was not a “movie” anymore.

I don’t remember now what order some of this happened – maybe the first WTC tower had crumbled, and as we were watching the live footage of the smoke, ash, and debris of Manhattan, the second tower fell like a house of cards. It looked just like when buildings are deliberately imploded, and we all thought that was part of the terrorists act. When the first tower was hit, both towers were starting to evacuate. They were still evacuating when the second hit happened about 20 minutes after the first. So many ambulances, police, and especially firefighters showed up to fight the fires and save the injured. The towers fell on top of all those people who were there to help.

When the plane crashed in Pennsylvania, we all we talking trying to figure out if it was shot out of the sky by the US. Three days later, we know a lot more and the information is nauseating. The plane that hit the Pentagon and the one that crashed in Pennsylvania were supposed to hit the Whitehouse and the President’s jet. The one that hit D.C. couldn’t spot the original target. On the airplane that went down in PA, a man called his wife on a cell phone from the bathroom to tell her there were hijackers with knives but that the passengers were going to try to get control of them. He told her to take care of their 3-month old baby; he did not plan on living through the ordeal. Throughout the last few days, the quake and the fires have destroyed more buildings in NYC that were near the World Trade Center. It has been determined that no one on any of the four planes survived, and FBI has figured out who 19 of the hijackers were. The US is linking the terrorism to Osama Bin Laden who is hiding in Afghanistan, but Afghanistan denies any involvement. This all happened Tuesday morning. Everyone I have seen is in a state of shock. No one talks about anything else. Here it is Friday, and it is all still the talk of the world and I figure it will be for quite a while. The stock market closed when all this happened. Our financial districts have been closed since then, but are supposed to reopen Monday. The NY Stock Exchange looks like a set from “ER” because it is the triage center. There are not many bodies that are being recovered alive, but the entire country rejoiced when several firefighters were found alive. New York now has 30,000 body bags on hand – not because there are that many bodies, but so many body parts.

This tragedy originally was compared to the bombing of Pearl Harbor – but even then there were not so many bodies, and civilians were not the targets. Now the bloodshed on American soil is being compared to the Civil War. How many died then?

I got to talk to Allen and my parents on Tuesday, and I called Mema to wish her Happy Birthday. I could not quit thinking of all the frantic husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, siblings and children who were torn apart from their families. As awful and helpless and empty as I feel, I know it doesn’t compare to those whose loved ones were killed or lost in the pile of concrete, steel, fire, and smoke. I can’t stand needles, but the way I feel about needles is so insignificant now. I gave blood on Wednesday. I waited 5 ½ hours, but at least I was not spending that time crushed alive beneath a building wondering what happened or wondering if my husband was alive. I am glad I can think straight enough to put this in perspective – but thinking like this brings tears to my heart and soon my eyes.

The ones who are alive under there—
Do they wonder what happened or do they know?
Do they have enough energy to scream for help or are their voices too tired by now?
Do they try to stay awake or do they choose to sleep forever?
Do they know we want to hear them but we cannot?
Are the conscious or coherent?
Do they pray for help to reach them? …for their lives? …for their families? …for eternal salvation? for justice?
Do they pray that God will forgive the ones who did this?
Are they scared or have they already accepted their deaths and hope that the life after has peace?
Do they know Jesus will hold their hands in that moment if they will let Him?
Do they know how much we care?
Are they in pain as am I?
Or are they numb?
Do they feel as helpless as I do?
…As frightened?
…As lonely?
…As empty?

President Bush declared today a National Day of Prayer and Remembrance. Everyone with a flag has it out today. Wal-Mart was out, and I do not have a flag. I will get one as soon as I can find one. Yesterday, Queen Elizabeth had the Star Spangled Banner played during the changing of the guards at Buckingham Palace. That song has always brought a tear to my eye, but knowing that she had it played for us was tear-jerking all the more. Most of the world has rallied behind us – including Russia and China. Today, even Pakistan said they were behind us in the fight against terrorism.

Children in Syria have been dancing in the streets since Tuesday. They are partying like it is New Year’s Eve. Like New Year’s Eve signifies, time has changed; but the children dance because they are elated that terror has hit our country.

Through all bad things God brings good, and our country is standing strong and together on this. For the first time ever, there is a surplus of blood, and the Red Cross is able to order freezers to store the supply. Our military is on high alert status. War has been declared on terrorism. Although we have not sent troops to war over this yet, it seems inevitable that it will happen.

Although the terrorists tore families apart, they did not succeed in tearing the United States of America apart. It has definitely torn me apart. I need a hug – Allen will be home tonight – I hope. FAA let planes start flying yesterday, and I know Allen is on his way to Houston right now.

God, bring him home safely – even if it is not for a few weeks. Thank you, God, for not letting him be on one of the hijacked planes or in one of the buildings that was hit. Thank you for holding us in the palm of your hand, close to your heart. I feel so helpless. The only way I know to help is to pray that others are found alive and that peace comes to those who have lost loved ones. And I pray for energy and perseverance for rescue workers. God, please guide our country and our government as they are making decisions that affect the entire world. Please show them what You want from us. God protect the United States people from this happening again. Please, God, remove my anxiety, my fear, my emptiness. Help me fill this void in my heart with You. God, I am glad you know my heart, because I cannot put all these feelings into words. Words just cannot describe these feelings in my heart and in my gut. I feel so vulnerable, but there is nowhere to hide if there is no one to hide from. I cannot hide from evil, God, so please help me fight it. President Bush quoted Psalm 23rd Tuesday night: And though we walk in the valley of the shadow of death, You are with us. Please let everyone affected by this tragedy be as comforted by that passage as I am. Amen.

More Gifts

Many weeks ago, I posted that I was making a list of my One Thousand Gifts. Here are some more of my little treasures:

31. Sun rays coming through leafy trees
32. Morning glories blooming on the fence
33. Family -- four generations have a sweet time sharing adventures together
34. Twinkling tunes of our wind chimes
35. My sister-in-law and I laughing so hard we end up crying
36. Blue birds snacking in the backyard
37. My kids knowing how to swim when they fall into a river
38. Special days with my kids
39. 80-degree weather in Texas in August

40. Pickles being predictable -- only climbing on our bed when Allen and I are both in it
41. Sharply cool and clear river water
42. A friend calling to encourage me... just because
43. Shadow's graying muzzle gently brushing my ear
44. Sitting next to Allen and all four kids at church
45. Jon being excited to have a friend
46. Ben, Maddie, and Jon playing inseparably after spending the day apart
47. Heart-let prayers of five-year olds
48. A tingle in my spine when Allen holds my hand
49. My back stopped hurting

50. Maddie being thrilled to be going to school
51. New-to-us furniture that is comfy enough for an unplanned nap
52. Hearing the Star Spangled Banner while watching the Olympics
53. Ben's eyes when he is smiling at me
54. Rain!
55. Will exclaimed, "My school day was awesome! I love this school!"
56. Ben stopping and stooping to study bugs
57. Peach juice running to my elbows
58. An email from Will just saying "I love you."
59. Ben whispering to me that he loves school
60. My children's independence, adventurous spirits, and eagerness to learn

61. Finding time for a great book... every day
62. Maddie's freckles sprinkled across her cheeks and nose
63. ... and when she covers her mouth trying to hold back the cute joyful giggles
64. Sunlight coming through stormy clouds at sunrise
65. The quiet of the early morning darkness

Mama Crushed

Today is the second day of school. Yesterday was tougher than I planned, but today, Maddie and Jon insisted on going in the school without me. Ben saved me by asking me to go in with him (I was glad to still feel needed). When we got to the school, I was crushed when all three insisted they were big enough kids to go in without me. "We're big kids now. Just drop us off at the door." ... even Ben insisted. When I did drop them off, they didn't even look back. I cried a bit. It is hard to go from being constantly needed for the last eight-and-a-half years to feeling unneeded all of a sudden. That's what I get for teaching them to be adventurous. Hopefully, this nest-fledging will be the hardest one until they are 18 and heading off to college.

Starting School

Today was the first day of school for all four kids. Ben, Maddie, and Jon are attending kindergarten at a charter school -- still a public school, but with a few more options than we had at the school we should go to based on where our home is. At the charter school, the kids will be exposed to three types of music classes (musical theater, choir, and violin), they will do PE and dance, they will have art and Spanish -- many of the classes are things I'd like them to be exposed to, but I'd rather not be driving all over town after school trying to fit it all in before dinner. Will is attending a different charter school through UT Tyler. His is a half-day project-based learning experience. Though he is in third grade, his class is actually a mix of fifteen third- and fourth-grade kids. We are really excited about his opportunities there, but I will share more as the year progresses.

All the kids were up on time, ready on time, and even had enough time to spare for Ben and Jon to change into different shirts since the others got egg all over them.

Last week, when I told the kids they would each have their own class and teacher, Ben was upset and started sobbing, "But I don't want to be without Maddie and Jon!" I explained that he would get to have his own class and not have to share his teacher with his sister and brother, but he could play with them at recess. When he understood they would still be close by, he wiped his tears and said, "OK. Let's do it." By this morning, Ben was excited because at school he would meet more girlfriends -- he explained he really wanted forty, more than anyone. Maddie insisted SHE would be able to get more girlfriends. Ben said she needed to get more boyfriends. She replied, "Maybe another day."

Maddie was the most obviously excited of the bunch. For the past week and a half, she has counted the number of days until meet-the-teacher. Then she counted down the days till today. Friday night, she was anxious to go to bed early because when she woke up, it would be closer to the first day of school. "It-is-one-day-closer-to-Monday-and-Monday-is-the-first-day-of- school-and-I'm-so-excited-because-I-get-to-learn-a-lot-and-go-to-art-and-do-math-and-Mrs.Maschall-said-I-will-get-to-help-other-kids-read-and-Mama-I-just-can't-wait!" (insert maniacal giggling here). It was definitely an understatement to say she was exited. She was excited to get to meet new friends, and she promised me she would "try hard to make friends who were both brown and peach."

Jon was also thrilled to be heading off to school. "I'm finally in kindergarten big-school! Now how much longer until we get to the real math problems." I am a bit worried that he and Maddie will get bored. Both of their teachers said they've never had a student know how to read before kindergarten. Those two love playing school, so I don't anticipate any problems, but they will likely find learning the alphabet a bit dull. Jon went to school wanting to learn how to add double digits, but the syllabus said they would be learning to write and identify numbers.

Will is too cool to admit he is looking forward to this school year. Until I picked him up from school, he insisted he already knows what school is like and he knew he wouldn't like it. He was a little bit excited that he was taking his newly-assigned iPad to school. Allen took Will to his school since it is on the way to work, so I don't know what the discussions were in the car.

I took the youngest three. We all talked on the way, and at one point I was {sort of? not really?} joking that I might be lonely at home with all my kids at school. Jon and Maddie overwhelmed me with their wisdom as they finished each others thoughts and sentences to tell me, "Mama, don't worry about being lonely. When we are at school it will be quiet, and God always sits with you when it's quiet. You won't be alone." I took a steadying breath and pinched my eyelids shut to keep them from overflowing, and I told them they were absolutely right. We pulled into the school parking lot before I could tear up any more.

Jon's classroom was first, and he marched right in, hung up his backpack, and took his seat. Maddie's class was next, but she agreed to help take Ben to his first (their classroom doors are about two feet apart, so it wasn't really a detour.) Ben also went in without really looking back at me. Maddie was last and, just like her brothers, she went right in; she found her play-doh and took her seat. That was it. I sort of glumly walked back to the car. I felt a bit lost and unneeded and my eyes threatened to water again. Somehow, I held back the tears. I have been looking forward to the peace and quiet, but I don't think I realized how suddenly it would happen. Did I expect the noise to trickle away to nothing?

This morning, I went to the grocery store right after dropping them off. I sat in the car and called Allen to find out that dropping off Will and his friend went pretty smoothly. I called a friend and just chatted for a few minutes -- sort of my "getting my mind back together" conversation. I went in and got all my groceries quickly -- I'd forgotten how easy that is without reminding kids to stay with me and not touch. I don't think I've had that easy of a shopping trip in almost six months. I came home and put the groceries away. I mentally went through the list of what I wanted to do in my quiet times -- catch up on the blog, clean out the pantry and freezers, reorganize the office, work on Will's scout quilt, read, listen to some school lectures, catch up on my current Bible study workbook, read ahead for the Bible study I start next week, read a bunch of books that are piled dangerously on my nightstand, sit and do nothing. My list is long, but I wanted to capture a few of the moments from this morning before I lost the thoughts in all the busyness.

I picked Will up at noon, and for the first time EVER, he told me, "My school day was AWESOME, Mom! I LOVE this school!" He and I worked on some of his assignments after we had lunch. Ben, Maddie, and Jon also had great days. When we got home, the three little ones went upstairs to play. Three hours later, they were still playing well together, and every time I checked on them, they were huddled close together. I'm guessing they missed each other and had to get their sibling time in before the end of the day.

Just before dinner, Ben told me, "Mama, thanks for sending me a text message at school." I asked what he meant and he showed me the note I put in his lunchbox. I got a kick out of him calling it a text message, but that may be what I call those little love notes from now on.

Bright and Early Adventures: Day 1

We started the day at Target, staring into the windows willing it to open just a few minutes early. At 8:00, the employees opened the store and I discovered my favorite time to shop Target. There was one other lady there, but otherwise, we had the place to ourselves. The younger crew chose new lunchboxes for school, and I sent the older one after several boxes of cereal. We we out the door and into the car for the next part of our adventure.

We arrived at the Nature Trail right at 8:30am, and the weather was just over 70-degrees -- with a slight breeze and the birds' choir at full-volume, it could not have been more perfect. It took awhile for me to convince the kids to keep their voices down so we could enjoy the nature-sounds, but after a large rabbit bolted and all they saw was the tail, they calmed down.

The next time we were near a rabbit, they did all get to see it. We searched for letters in the trees and flowers and tried to spell "school" by taking photos. Though I did hear a little bit of whining that the trail was way too long, when we got to the end, they all looked at me with confusion and asked, "Is that it?!"

Our next stop was within walking distance, but we moved the car because it had our picnic and towels. We stopped at the park restrooms, then loaded into the car to change into swimsuits and sandals so the kids could enjoy the splash park. In line with our mostly-perfect morning, just as the kids finished dressing, two more minivans showed up, but they were our friends. With eleven kids ages 5 to 9, everyone had several playmates, and we mostly had the entire playground and splash park to ourselves. The kids splashed a bit, but they mostly built forts and played army, had teams that changed every hour or so, took prisoners, played house, climbed the rope web, raced to the slide, found logs and stones to change the forts, and did all the things kids are supposed to get to do all the time (at least that's how I remember spending all my summers). There were a couple tears when someone tripped, and the three of us adults were interrupted several times with questions about lunchtime, but otherwise, our kids played well for nearly four hours. After lunchtime and more playtime, we all headed home.

The kids changed into dry clothes and sat outside enjoying popsicles. I was afraid they might be tired of being outside, but with a high in the upper eighties (quite a treat for mid-August in Texas) they stayed out until I called them in. I spied them laying in the grass sucking the popsicle juice while they watched clouds. I saw them working together to get the swing really high. Ben caught a big black cricket and was watching it. Maddie was sitting on the window of the playhouse, kicking her purple sandals while she leaned on the wood and watched her brothers.

When Allen and I were talking about the kids practicing some acts of kindness this week, he suggested I get the sale-deal the local grocery store was running -- if I purchased a large box of single-serving chips (lunchbox-sized bags), I would get a bunch of other lunch-type stuff free (bundles of bottles of water and Gatorade and boxes of cookies and granola bars). The kiddos helped me carry the treats to the car, and they were excited to ring to doorbell at the fire station. When the fireman answered, the kids gleefully exclaimed, "We brought you treats!" Strangely, it reminded me of a backwards trick-or-treat. The firemen gave them a really quick tour of a fire-engine, then we were off again.

We had a 3:00 meeting at Will's new school so he could pick up his iPad for the year. He was beyond thrilled to get the high-tech gadget that will be one of his main tools for school this year. But, I popped his bubble when I said he couldn't play with it until later. We got home, I crashed. I don't understand why the kids didn't want to rest, but they should sleep REALLY well tonight.

Tomorrow is another super-busy day that we will start really early. I think the high is supposed to be 87-degrees, so it should be another gorgeous day to be outside.

Potty humor

Will: Who wants to see a moon?
Ben: You're just gonna show us Uranus
...

and it does NOT help that we learned at the planetarium that Uranus is considered one of the four "gas giants."

Patience, please

I really want to update the blog. I have great photos that we've taken over the last month that I am excited to share, but I can't yet. I've reached my limit on photos and there isn't a fast fix to make room for new on Blogger. It will take me a while to make room for new photos because I need to go back to the first few years of blog posts and delete photos... one by one... quite the headache. Please be patient with me. School starts in two weeks, so I should soon have a few minutes to work on it. Until then, you can imagine what we have been doing: more zoo camp, kid-time at Gramma's and Granddad's, a mini-vacation with Allen and friends in New Braunfels, a family reunion in California, getting ready for school and buying LOTS of school supplies, Innovation Camp (for school) for Will and me, enjoying Allen's two and half weeks off from work, and more.

PS - if you know of a faster fix, please let me know! I don't really want to start a new one.