Twenty-six bells

When I was in kindergarten almost three decades ago, I remember making a daisy. A yellow die-cut circle was the center, and my daisy started when I could spell my own name: Sarah Williams. When I knew my parents' names, I got a white petal with their names on it. I learned my phone number for a second petal and my address for a third. I don't know if I got past the third petal, but I do remember looking forward to filling out a new petal each day with my teacher Mrs. O'Neill. She would call each of us up to her desk to write on our petal, and in my mind's eye, it was an awesome project. The class daisies were a garden on the wall next to all the coat hooks. I remember several things about that classroom under the main stair case at Hebron Elementary in Penn Hills, Pennsylvania. I can picture it with my eyes shut -- a colorful door that opened into a wide hall where the coats were hung on one side; on the other side, we lined up when it was time to leave our classroom. Just beyond the entryway, the classroom was set up with long rows of desks facing the green chalkboard that was next to Mrs. O'Neill's desk. On the other side of the rows was the play area -- stations of square shelves, pretend kitchen, and an empty area on the carpet where we would sit as Mrs. O'Neill read stories to us. My happy little kindergarten world came to an abrupt halt the morning Mom woke me up to say there wouldn't be school for a few days. Mom explained that some older kids set the school on fire and I wouldn't be able to go there anymore. All I really heard was that my daisy was gone, and I was heartbroken. I had nightmares about fires for awhile after that. I'm not sure how long it was till our class was together again at (I think it was) Shenandoah Elementary. I don't know if I remember all the details, but it seems like only part of our class was there with our same teacher, but many other kids that were originally at Shenandoah. All I am certain of is that I didn't like it there and I wanted my other school back... especially my daisy.

One week ago, tragedy struck another elementary school and it broke my heart. Though I've seen news stories the last fifteen years about school shootings, I didn't hurt me the same as this time with the heart of a mother... a mother of school-age kids... a mother of six-year olds.

This morning, church bells across the country rang their bells for each of the 26 victims of the shooting a week ago at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. A young man burst into the school and gunned down twenty children and six adults who were trying to protect the students. All the children were first graders -- mostly six-years old. When news report starting coming in, I was heart broken to read that one child and one teacher were shot. It wasn't long until the media started changing the numbers as more children were found dead. My heart broke even more with each one added. I don't want to imagine the pain that community is feeling when my own pain for the strangers is so heavy.

Sunday morning, Jon woke me early for a breathing treatment and I decided not to go back to bed. I sat and read my Bible, prayed for my own peace over the tragedy, prayed a lot for all the families and children involved. I thought of how crushed I was as a six-year old when my school burned and realized how trivial that is compared to what the children in Sandy Hook saw... heard... knew... experienced. Then I was right back to being crushed... again. I pleaded with God to help me quit obsessing over the tragedy and I came away from my long quiet time with a few answers. First, God understands the pain of the parents of those twenty children; His innocent child was murdered, too. He will take care of the ones who ask him to. Second, God was there when evil arrived. He gave courage to teachers and staff who gave their own lives for the children. He helped other teachers hide, comfort, and love children protectively. He showed that small town that our country cares and hurts with them.

When I was reading, I felt nudged to keep reading. I started at Psalm 32, and He kept nudging me to keep going. When I got to 37, peace flooded my heart. I read that Psalm at least a dozen times that same day.

Psalm 37
¹ Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

¹⁰ A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.

¹² The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
¹³ but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.

¹⁴ The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
¹⁵ But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.

¹⁶ Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
¹⁷ for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the Lord upholds the righteous.

¹⁸ The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care,   
and their inheritance will endure forever.
¹⁹ In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.

²⁰ But the wicked will perish:
Though the Lord’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.

²¹ The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
²² those the Lord blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.

²³ The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
²⁴ though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

²⁵ I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
²⁶ They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.

²⁷ Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
²⁸ For the Lord loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.

Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed;
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
²⁹ The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.

³⁰ The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
and their tongues speak what is just.
³¹ The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.

³² The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
intent on putting them to death;
³³ but the Lord will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.

³⁴ Hope in the Lord
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.

³⁵ I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
³⁶ but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.

³⁷ Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
a future awaits those who seek peace.
³⁸ But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future for the wicked.

³⁹ The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
⁴⁰ The Lord helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

I haven't told my kids about the shooting since I don't want them having nightmares. I learned that Will knew about it because he has a news feed on his iPad, but I don't want to force him to discuss it if he doesn't realize the gravity of it. I told him we could talk if he had any questions or concerns. As for my six-year olds, I can't even think about what happened without tearing up imagining the pain of those parents. One day my kids can read this story and know about it.

For now, I still hurt, but I trust God to take care of the evil in the world. I am not supposed to worry because that leads to anger and evil, but I think it is okay to hurt... to be sad along with the families and friends and the rest of the country. I didn't know these people, but they are the "everybody" that I could know --it could have been the teachers at our schools who blocked the bullets. For now, I will continue to pray for the families of these brave souls: Rachel D'Avino, 29, teacher's aide; Dawn Hochsprung, 47, principal; Anne Marie Murphy, 52, teacher's aide; Lauren Rousseau, 30, teacher; Mary Sherlach, 56, school psychologist; and Victoria Soto, 27, teacher. I will pray for the families of seventeen six-year olds: Charlotte Bacon, Olivia Engel, Dylan Hockley, Madeleine Hsu, Catherine Hubbard, Jesse Lewis, Ana Marquez-Greene, James Mattioli, Grace McDonnell, Emilie Parker, Jack Pinto, Noah Pozner, Caroline Previdi, Jessica Rekos, Avielle Richman, Benjamin Wheeler, and Allison Wyatt.... and of three seven-year olds: Daniel Barden, Josephine Gay, and Chase Kowalski.... and of the many staff, children, and families of the survivors of such a brutal day.